Kathryn McTaggart - Legal Expert
Kathryn McTaggart is a solicitor with national family law specialists Woolley & Co.  Q. Under the new proposed legal aid laws, I have heard that there are certain circumstances in which legal aid still applies. Firstly is this true? and if yes, could you tell me what circumstances would bring this into play? Thank you A. Legal aid does still remain available for certain types of cases. You can obtain legal aid for cases where your children are at risk of removal from your care by social services. If you are a parent, you will be automatically receive legal aid. If you are a grandparent or other family member, you would only be able to obtain legal aid if you were made a party to any Court proceedings. In all of these type of cases, you should talk to a solicitor as soon as possible to obtain the appropriate legal advice and legal aid where necessary. If you are a victim of domestic abuse, if assessed as financially eligible both on income and capital, you are also able to receive legal aid, not just to pursue an injunction, but also to help you with other types of proceedings, such as children proceedings or financial proceedings. You must however be able to give evidence that you are a victim of domestic abuse, these include, but are not limited to, previous police proceedings in the last 2 years including a conviction or caution; social service or MARAC involment with your family due to abuse in the last 2 years; medical evidence from a GP who has seen you within the last 2 years; or previous injunction proceedings within the last 2 years. In each and every case, you should go and see a solicitor who will be able to give you more advice on whether you are eligible for legal aid. Emma Benyon-Tinker Q. I have been seperated from my children's mother since feb 2012. since then i have been having overnight access with my children (aged 5 and 9)on a monday and thursday plus one day at the weekend. my ex has just told me thsat she is changing contact to every other weekend and i now wont see them until 30th nove 2012. i do not want to reduce the time I spend with my children and do not feel that this would be in their best interest as they also enjoy spending time with me. what are my rights and what is the process i would have to go through in order to have the same amount of contact with them? A. Hi Thank you for your question. Firstly, I would let the mother know how you feel , what you want and why you feel it is in the best interests of the children. Invite her to state why she feels the need to change something that is working. It may be that you can work together to reach a resolution. You could try using a mediator. If that fails, please see your solicitor for advice about obtaining a contact order. You can also try and apply to the court for this order yourself if funds are an issue. Onlydads has lots of information and guidance for litigants in person. Don't give up! Good luck ;) Best regards, Harjit Sarang Q. Hi I have a 5 week old daughter and her dad from day 1 hasn't bothered he just says he feels messed up in himself and seems to be putting himself 1st before us, so now were not together he keeps being like this and as he left us I've said he can visit her once a month until he's proven to put her 1st before himself. He lives 140 miles away what rights would he get if he ever took me to court to see his daughter more and does he have rights to take her up to his home? We've never been married or anything and he wasn't present for birth certificate. A. Thank you for your email, it must be a very stressful situation for you with a newborn daughter, and concerns about what contact she should have with her Father. Firstly, as your former partner was not present when you registered your daughter's birth, he does not have what is called parental responsibility (PR) for her. This means that he is not automatically recognised as a parent and does not have the same rights and responsibilities as you. For example you could change your daughter's name without his consent and you do not need to consult him about her choice of school in due course. Although I would not recommend that you do either of these things without a great deal of thought and ideally without consulting her father as he could apply to the court to be involved and influence the decision. Your former partner could obtain "PR" in the future by you signing an PR agreement with him, or by him obtaining it via a court order. Not having PR does not mean that he should not have contact with your daughter, indeed you are offering him contact. As your daughter is so young, contact generally would be for short periods and on a frequent basis, and probably supported by you. However this might not work in your case given the distance involved for you all. At present I recommend that you continue to offer contact on a regular basis. Once a month would not usually be enough to allow your daughter to get to know her Father, but I appreciate that is all that you both might be able to manage at the moment. If your former partner decided to take the matter to court, the courts concern is only for the wellbeing of your daughter. The starting point is that contact with both parents is beneficial for a child, but the court will in every case look at the situation and look at what is best for your daughter. Whilst she is so young it in unlikely that the court would say your former partner should take her to his address. As I say above, the court would look at short and frequent periods of contact, probably supported by you if you are able to. If contact proceeds well, and your daughter develops a bond with her Father, then contact would usually move on. Usually to an arrangement for a time when your daughter has time with her Father without you being present in the local area to you. These times will eventually increase in length, and may one day lead to an overnight stay at his house. Please bear in mind that all of the above depends on how much contact your former partner has now with your daughter. If for example, he does not have much contact with her over the first few years of her life, it will be difficult for him to persuade a court that he should immediately be able to take your daughter to his house. Again contact would need to be built up gradually until the court considers it is appropriate for your daughter to go to his house. There is no exact timescale which can be put on this, as it will depend on your daughter. My advice would always be that rather than using the Court process, that both you and your former partner attend mediation to try to agree on the routine for contact that he has with your daughter. You will also be able to express your concerns to him and tell him what your daughter's routine is which always useful. I hope that helps, but if you do have any queries, you should go and see a local solicitor who specialises in family law or go back to OnlyMums or OnlyDads and they will help you find a solicitor and mediator. Emma Benyon-Tinker Q. i have residence of my 2 children, 8 and 4 yrs, has been this way for 2 years, i recieve cb, and working tax credits. my ex is seeeking shared residence order, they will see her 40% and me 60% of the time, what will happen to the payments i recieve ? i just about work 18 hours a week, i made 6000 last year, im trying but struggle. will she get some of my payments if i agree to shared residence order ? A. Child maintenance is worked to a strict formula and the CSA website is very good at working this out for you. It does not work on % of time but works on number of nights your children spend with you. You will still be the resident parent as far as the CSA are concerned. The starting point is that your ex should pay 20% of her net income to you as the non resident parent as you have two children. NB deductions will apply if she has children from another relationship. If the children stay with her 0-52 nights (up to once a week) of the year there is no deduction. If they stay with her 52-104 nights of the year ( more than 1 night per week over the year) there is a 1/7 reduction. If they stay 104 -156 nights (more than 2 nights per week) there is a 2/7 reduction and so on. I would urge you to visit the website and fill out the calculator at http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ChildMaintenance/index.htm Q. Hi Kathryn, I left my wife 7 weeks ago due to an irretrievable break down of our marriage (goes back over a 4 year period). We jointly own the house (mortgaged) we do not have children together but her 18 and 20 years old daughters still at home. She wiil not take lodge money from the 20 year old because she is at Uni but still get maintenance for her, her daughter also works part time. The 18 year old has a full time job and also works part time taking home over £100 per week. My wife will only take £25 per week off the 18 year old. I am still paying for the mortgage and also an IVA that we have between us, I have £1200 per month coming out of my income to pay for these, my wife has a full time job but is only working part time at the moment as she has just gone through 12 months of cancer but has thankfully survived she is due to have an operation for breast reconstruction I have agreed to not put the house up for sale until she has hed her Op and has recovered because I don't want people going round the house when she has just come out of hospital. She has started to threaten me with my job by phoning the duty inspector or sergeant, her her reason is she says that I'm harrassing her because I phone or txt her asking her to meet with me so we can sort out the finances and plan for selling the house, I have not being abusive or agressive in any way whatsoever, Thats the intro: 1. Can I make her take lodge money from her daughters. 2. Can I move back into the house because I'm now concerned that she is going to make it difficult to sell the house by not agreeing to sign the paperwork. 3. Can I make her sell our house, as we have no dependant chidlren between us. Thank you A. You cannot force your wife to take money from her daughters. This is a matter between her and her daughters. The courts could not order it either. As you have said the house is in the joint names of you and your wife you do have the right to enter occupy and remain at the property unless there is a court order or bail conditions in place preventing you from doing so. Saying that if you were to move back into the property your wife could go to the court and seek an order that you allow her to remain in the property and you leave. It would be up to the court to decide whether that order should be made given all the circumstances i.e. the fact you have been out of the house for a short while, your wife’s health, the atmosphere in the house if you were to return and how that would impact upon your wife etc. You cannot make your wife sell the house if she refuses to do so unless you have a court order for sale. It is extremely unlikely any estate agent will put the house on the market without your wife’s signature to their terms and conditions. You will need additional advice concerning your rights and what the court will take into consideration if you cannot reach a settlement between you.” Q. My son met his partner via internet and started dating. Within a month of meeting she moved 3 1/2 hours drive away from her family to live with my son. Even right from the start she constantly said that she was hoping my son would leave his well paid job, sell up and move to her home town, something he always made clear he couldn't do. 19 months later she has now given up pushing him to do what she wants and taken their 6 month old son (she is also 14 weeks pregnant) moved back to her home town and has been given a council property. All remained friendly throughout up until my son was due to have his son for the weekend, it was arranged that he would travel to her residence (7 hour round trip) to collect him and then she, on the sunday would then need to travel to his residence to collect the child. She is refusing to do this as she doesn't want to have to travel.She is now saying that unless he is prepared to do the full 14 hours travelling he cannnot bring his son down to his original home for visitation and is saying he will have to stay the weekend in her home town and pay for B&B. Can she do this? Is the court likely to support her in this? Especially as she is using her pregnancy as an added excuse. She is also saying that she will not let his have weekends with the new baby when it arrives until it is 6 months old, please advise. Many thanks! A. Unfortunately without a court order dictating how the travel arrangements should be dealt with it is a matter of trying to agree them between your son and his ex partner. He cannot force her to bring his son to him nor to collect him after a visit. An application to the court cannot guarantee a favourable outcome either. Much will depend upon the circumstances of the parties and what the court believes is reasonable. Maybe meeting half way could be suggested. Also your son could consider mediation to see if negotiations between him and his ex partner might bring about a solution. As for the new baby again it is best to see if an agreement can be reached direct before going to court. The court process can take time and no application can be issued until the baby is born. Of course if the ex partner is going to feed the baby herself that will need to be taken into consideration. Your son does need to build up a bond with the baby and the sooner he does that the better. Initially the contact may not be overnight. Also your son needs to consider the position regarding parental responsibility for the new baby. He must ensure his name is on the birth certificate to obtain parental responsibility. See if your son can have a meeting with his ex and discuss all options in the hope that matters can be agreed. Q. Me and my wife got divorced 15 years ago. We agreed she would stay in our marital home with the children until they left home and then sell the house and split it 50/50. The children have now left but my ex says I am not entitled to my share as she paid the mortgage after I moved out. What are my rights? A. You still have an interest in the property and have an entitlement to something. I’m assuming the mortgage is a capital repayment mortgage therefore your wife could argue that you should not benefit from the capital she has paid off the mortgage and this is a fair point, however house prices have still gone up over the last 15 years and you should not be deprived of that increase in value. I’m more concerned that from what you’re saying there is no written agreement or order setting out how your assets are to be divided. Ideally you want something called a Consent Order, which is a Court order that you all agree to setting out what happens with your assets. Until that time neither of you has financial independence from each other i.e. if you won the lottery tomorrow your wife is entitled to half. A Consent Order will have a term or terms providing for your financial claims against each other to be terminated so that you have that independence from each other. Woolley & Co can help you resolve your financial matters and prepare a Consent Order on your behalf. Regards Ian Giddings Q. I have been separated from my ex for two and a half years and had a long battle through the Courts to ensure great access and to try and co-parent. In April this year the court granted Shared Residency for our children further to my application. I have been with my new partner for about 2 years and we now live together and intend to marry. The children get on very well with her and it is a happy home. Since the separation I have conducted all handovers of our daughters myself for over two years however there have been a couple of instances recently where I have needed to use a third party (my Mother or Partner). My ex. refuses to make the children available as per the Order on the grounds that I am not collecting in person. She has breached the Residence Order twice already for this reason. She herself has regularly used friends for this and I've never not returned them as a result and would not behave in this way. We have joint parental responsibility and my understanding is that legally we both have the right to make appropriate decisions for them when they are with us. Obviously schooling, medical matters etc. require collaboration but day to day decisions such as that can be made by one parent and should be respected. She continues to use a solicitor even after the final proceedings and they are trying to build a case that I am not caring for them properly and am putting my ex. in uncomfortable situations by not collecting myself I have been sensitive to her struggle that I was in a new relationship but much time has passed and the girls and my partner have formed a positive relationship. The Cafcas report did not conclude that the girls were not cared for and supported my application. I consider it to be entirely normal for all parents to rely on support from time to time and both my Mother and partner are trusted and well known to the children. I have said I will always advise in advance if I cannot collect myself if the handover is with my ex. and not direct from school so if she prefers she can use a friend as she says she feels awkward etc. She is trying to get me to agree that my partner will never be present for handovers even when I am there as well, which given we live together is not realistic as a commitment and is creating divisions in the girls lives. She also wants an agreement that I will always conduct handovers myself and if I don't accoridng to her solicitor it will show I cannot maintain the level of contact and it needs to be reduced. I do not believe she has any grounds to place restrictions on their residency and withdraw contact. As I am now representing myself I wish to gain some advice on what the legal position is and how I should react as don't want to end up back in Court? Can I call anyone when she is refusing to hand them over to ensure she comlies? I am aware they seem to be throwing a lot of mud right now and instead of the level of activity decreasing after the final hearing it is increasing with petty complaints via her solicitors regarding clothing apparantly not being returned and vague accusations etc. There is no restruction in the Residence Order regarding who can and cannot collect. Please help or advise where I can get some free advice on this. I'm not eligible for Legal Aid and have built up significant debts with 2 years of litigation to gain good access to the children. Many thanks A. Regrettably this seems like a classic case of mum still being unhappy with the order that was made. Without having sight of the order it's difficult to know precisely what was said but the fact is there will be times when you are unable to collect your children but you have setup a method to ensure that the children are collected safely and delivered to your care. This is not you being unable to meet the children's needs but you making appropriate plans. I suggest the solution would be to explain to her solicitors that on occasions there will be times when you cannot attend in person, on those occasions you will tell your ex-partner and give her notice that somebody else will be collecting the children. If she is unable to hand the children over to anyone other than yourself then perhaps she could suggest a time later on in the day when you could attend to collect the children. The trick here is to take the moral high ground. You are being reasonable, you’re putting your children’s needs first and you are letting mum know what your intentions are. If she is unable to deal with anybody else collecting the children then you are giving her the option of moving the collection time. If you put this in writing to her solicitors then in the event that the case does go back to Court you can show to the Court that you have tried to be reasonable and looking for a solution but it is mum who is being difficult. Regards Ian Giddings for Woolley & Co, Solicitors Q. Hi me and my girlfriend are splitting up I am going to have my son who is 2 1/2 full time But I have to pay my mortgage how can I do this when looking after my son full time as I will not be able to work What can I do? A. Your best options are to look at how much child support (15% of your partner’s net income for 1 child) and child benefit you will be receiving and to assess the shortfall in your living expenses. It is likely that you would be eligible for benefits so I would urge you to contact your local social security office who can advice you further. More information can be found here: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/moneytaxandbenefits/benefitstaxcreditsandothersupport/index.htm If your home is jointly owned then you partner will still need to honour her obligations regarding the mortgage repayment until you make a different agreement. Regards Q. Hi, me and my ex split ten yrs ago. We have a 10 year old son who lives with me and stays at his dads twice a week He has just recently for engaged and moved into a rented home of 550 a month. My ex and his partner both work full time on quite good wages. Basically because I won't collect my son from him when he has him he is now saying he will stop giving me child maintenance of 170 a month and place it in a savings account for my son instead! Can he do that? I mean it means I won't receive any money to look after our child. I only work 20 hours a week so can't afford everything! Thanks . A. Travel expenses only reduce child support in exceptional circumstances and even then there has to be a formal application for a variation to the CSA. Your child’s father cannot stop paying maintenance on this basis and, if he insists on withholding payment, an application will need to be made to the CSA. Regards Q. Hi, I applied for a shared residency order. My wife raised concerns about my alcohol consumption. There is no evidence to support any concerns. In her Cafcas intervirew she stated that she did not consider it a risk. The court asked if I would agree to an undertaking not to drink. I said yes as I felt saying no was kind of an admission. In hindsight I should have said no. I don't have a problem. What should I do to remove the undertaking? A. Generally the Court will accept an undertaking to do something to move a matter forward whether there is evidence or not. The idea is that, if you do drink, the child will be protected by your undertaking and if you don’t drink, it makes no difference to you to give the undertaking. It will not be taken as an admission in the circumstances it was given. In the circumstances, I might have insisted that Mother give a reciprocal undertaking but I really wouldn’t worry too much unless it is creating difficulties on a practical level. If there is another hearing coming up, it might be worth asking to be released from your undertaking. Regards Q. I am writing on behalf of my partner who is experiencing difficulties with his ex. He has just found out that he does not have PR for his daughter as although his name is on the birth certificate, she was born before 2003. He has just askwed her to agree to him having PR and today, while on his way to collect his daughter from school, he received a text telling him he couldnt see her until the PR matter is resolved. This is despite a contact agreement that has been in place for more than 5 years. Can she do this? A. If contact has been stopped for no reason an application should be made to the Court without delay and the issue of parental responsibility will be resolved as part of the process. The issue of parental responsibility does not affect contact and nor is it a reason to stop contact. Regards Q. HI My wife and I seperated at Christmas after 19 years of marrage, we are currently renovating our property, which I would like to sell as soon as its finished so that we can both have our equity and move on. I have moved out I am however still paying my half of our morgage payments. Our youngest daughter still lives there who is 18. My wife insists I can not make her sell the property until our daughter is 19. Is this correct? and also should I still be paying half the morgage whilst im renting else where I am struggling finacialy to pay for both? Many thanks. A. I think it is highly likely that a sale would be ordered were the Court to consider your situation. Usually orders for sale are postponed until a child finishes full time secondary education at the latest. In the interim, I think you should look at your combined outgoings to establish what additional contributions your wife could or should be paying towards the mortgage but obviously it is in no ones interest to allow the mortgage to fall into arrears. Regards Q. HI My wife and I seperated at Christmas after 19 years of marrage, we are currently renovating our property, which I would like to sell as soon as its finished so that we can both have our equity and move on. I have moved out I am however still paying my half of our morgage payments. Our youngest daughter still lives there who is 18. My wife insists I can not make her sell the property until our daughter is 19. Is this correct? and also should I still be paying half the morgage whilst im renting else where I am struggling finacialy to pay for both? Many thanks. A. I think it is highly likely that a sale would be ordered were the Court to consider your situation. Usually orders for sale are postponed until a child finishes full time secondary education at the latest. In the interim, I think you should look at your combined outgoings to establish what additional contributions your wife could or should be paying towards the mortgage but obviously it is in no ones interest to allow the mortgage to fall into arrears. Regards Q. i have a nearly 4 year old son,who i have never met through my own fault,i want to start and make amends,but no one will tell me where he is with his mum,what can i do? A. Hi You may apply to the court for an order that all relavant agencies disclose the address to the court for the purposes of the application for contact. The address may not be revealed to you just incase, it is being withheld for a good reason. Best regards Harjit Sarang Q. I believe that my exwife has lied about her income, what can I do? A. The answer depends in which context you believe she has lied about her income. If you have Court proceedings ongoing, she can be compelled to produce documentary evidence in support of her income. If you are discussing matters between yourselves or in mediation and you do not believe she is being truthful then you may wish to request documentation in respect of her income, P60, wage slips, all benefits/tax credits/child benefit etc and make her aware that you may need to apply to the Court if she does not produce these documents. Regards Q. Hi Kathryn, I have been divorced for about 6 years now and have a 9 year old daughter. Until recently I had my daughter every weekend or every week if I was working a weekend and at the time we stayed approx 30 miles apart. I have also always payed child maintencance at the full amount even though I was left with 15000 of debt from the relationship which I continue to pay alone since we split and without any csa involvment. My question is my ex has moved 300 miles away and before the move had agreed we would half the costs encoured for my daughter coming over ie flights or meet half way and that she would be able to stay every school hoildays however since the move my ex now says she will not pay anything toward the costs encoured for my daughter to travel, will not meet half way and isnt kean to stick to the school holiday arrangment either. Is there anything I can do to ensure I remain contact with my daughter and dont have to cover all the cost for something that was outwith my control? Thanks very much for any help you can give me. A. Generally, the cost of travel expenses for contact are paid by the parent who is having contact rather than the parent with whom the child lives unless the parent with care moves a significant distance away. In these situations, the Court will look at what arrangements should be in place so that the move does not damage the relationship between the child and the other parent and will often consider whether travel expenses should be shared or met by the parent moving as a condition of agreement to the move. In an ideal world, these would have been dealt with in an order before the move but I understand that you relied on an agreement with mother made in good faith. I think it is really important that you apply for a contact order settle the time your daughter spends with you and to deal with the practical arrangements for transportation etc. The CSA can also be requested to look again at a child support assessment if travel expenses are particularly high. Regards Q. My 2 children are now living with me and my partner for the last 7 weeks as there mother was made homeless as sh was cashing the benefit cheques for the rent instead of giving it to the landlord. She foundanother house a 2 hour drive away and moved there with the children and her then current boyfriend who was wanted by the police, after 4 weeks of being there he physically hit her she called the police he was then arrested and as he had a number of warrants out for his arrest he threatened her so she couldn't go back to that house. She was sleeping on a friends sofa so we took the children in. We have found the children schools which they have started, my ex was still receiving all there benefits which is roughly £200 a week and was still asking for the CSS payments which we couldn't stop as she wouldn't close down the claim, we had to claim child benefit to prove they live with us! We didn't pay her any CSA payments from the date the children came to live with us. Her benefits have now been stopped as a result of this and that she didn't inform the benefits agency that the children were no longer in her care, she has to pay back the money, she is now threatening to take the children back as she won't get a house or any money now! Me and my partner both work but can't afford huge legal fees we don't know what to do next, she isn't a very good parent, social services have been called on her for neglect, she was growing drugs and the police raided her house we have hundreds of texts asking us for more money as she had no food electric etc, the list is endless, I don't want to sound like I'm being a spiteful ex I generally think the children are better with us in a stable home any advice please....... A. It sounds like the children have a much more stable home environment now that they are with you. The Court will not disrupt them unless it feels there is a good reason to do so. If their mother makes an application for the children to live with her, then you can deal with it but it is her application to make if she wants to change the status quo. The longer the children remain with you, the less likely a change of residence will be. It is of course important that the children do have contact with their mother. Regards Q. Hello Katherine. My daughter lives with her father forty three miles away. As I only work part time, and my ex point blank refuses to help with travel, I have to pay out a substantial portion of my income fetching my daughter for the weekend. I have had my dauhter every weekend for eighteen months now and now my ex has applied for maintainence, is there any way I can get him to share the travelling. The CSA have said they will not take the travel costs into account as they have already reduced what I will have to pay as my daughter stays two mights a week. If I have to bear the full cost of the travel this will impact on how many times I will get to see my daughter. Sandra. A. Generally, the cost of travel expenses for contact are paid by the parent who is having contact rather than the parent with whom the child lives. On occasion, the Court will look at whether expenses should be shared but this depends on the circumstances and is not usual. The CSA can be requested to look again at a child support assessment if travel expenses are particularly high but it seems the CSA has not thought this appropriate in your case. I would suggest that you speak to your child’s father and explain that travel costs may well affect how often you see your daughter and see if you can come to an agreement either on costs or perhaps to meet half way. Regards Q. Hi Kathryn - I seperated from my wife 16 months ago (Dec 2010) after we decided the marriage brokedown as I met someone else. I had been seeing this person for 12 months plus as I was unhappy in my marriage. I now live with the other person. In May 2011 we both agreed to split our finacials - we agreed she would have the family home (~value £280k)and I would have a hone I bought for my parents (~£150k). The mortgage debt was approx 126k and we split this (her sole name) 70/30 (my sole name)and the lawyers and mortgage company separated ownership legally.At this time I had no job and was awaiting a severance settlement of ~£66k after tax. I have been paying £1200 per month for our 2 children and taking parental care every second weekend and share school holidays. In Sept 2010 I purchased a new home approx £284k and used my severance settlement and savings to reduce the mortgage. Ive also put every penny into my mortgage to reduce it over the last 8months and now have property at 280+150 £430k and both homes are in my sole name. I have a mortgage of ~£170k. I have now recieved a financial statement request from her solicitors after 16months separation after I agreed to a round table mtg. This caught me by surprise as I didnt expect this. I now have a request to complete a lot of docs about my financial health and dont want to. I have worked hard in the last 16 months 1. to get a job. a new home and to reduce my debt and now it seems can make a claim. She has her own job ~£40+k with the NHS and I pay £1200 per month. I earn £102k pa. The child support agemcy said I pay more than what I should. Im lost to what my rights are. A. The financial statement or Form E is the standard document used in resolving financial matters if there are Court proceedings and often in negotiations. It is not possible for your wife’s solicitors to advise her properly on a financial settlement without full financial disclosure and it would seem your wife is asking for advise on her financial claims regardless of the informal settlement you have reached. No financial settlements are binding unless approved by the Court and can always be revisited until that point. I would always advise that divorcing couples embody their financial agreements in a consent order or the financial claims they have against each other remain alive and either can make an application to the Court. I would provide the financial information to allow your wife’s solicitors to advise her. If you do not, it is likely they will make an application to the Court which is more likely and, if they have the information to advise, they may well endorse your informal agreement. Whilst the Court will look at the financial position at the time of an application, post separation assets and contributions will often be taken into account before a settlement is reached. It would be sensible to obtain some detailed legal advice on an appropriate settlement before negotiating further if you have not already done so. Regards Q. Hi, 6 months ago we had a court order issued were my ex would have contact with our 4 year daughter every saturday day and over night once a month. the court ordred stated that my daughter is not to be left in the sole care of my ex's wife (her children from a previous relationship have been removed by social services and adopted) my daughter has returned home telling me how her daddy went out and she stayed home with his wife. i do not know what to do. please advise. Many thanks A. It might be worth raising this in the first instance with your child’s father and explaining that, if such a report reaches you again, you will have to take action. If you are not reassured, it may be necessary to limit contact until such assurances are made and, if this persists, to refer the matter back to Court to look at whether contact arrangements need to be reviewed. Regards Q. I have left my wife today. I have one stepson who i count as my own who is 12 a son who is 5 and a year old daughter. My wife has used to take care of all of the finacials and unfortunately cleaned out a bank account of 40k over 5 years. She also hid mail and didnt pay the gas or electric and council tax for an incredible 3 years,how she got away with it ill never know.I was incredibly stupid to give her such control. She has emotionally bullied me and refuses to talk to me to the point I had to leave. Now everything is my fault not hers.Even tonight i went round to pick some items up and she has already got several friends drinking wine being jolly. She gave the kids medised so they would not wake up while i was their except the eldest.I know this cause they are both light sleepers and my boy was obvoiusly in a deep sleep. She has manipulated the whole situation we just moved and i paid lots of money to set the house up and then she kicks off leave me and the kids alone because i said no to going to buy more furniture. Having now to pay all the above debts off and having no money and to pay the vat man when she made a 25k mistake in a company i run how should i proceed. What am i able to take out of the house. Can i make her accountable for any of the debt and how should i proceed to obtain shared residency if thats at all possible. The house has become a tip and not safe for my 1 year old ie plastic clothes tags over the floor etc. I even paid to fix her car this weekend gone. Shes spent the lot and left me with nothing. help please I love my kids she bullies them to emotionally and verbally by shouting all the while and threatening this has affected my 5 yr old who was so bubbly and bright and is now becoming timid and quiet.How can i help my kids please help. A. If you have concerns about your children’s care, I would make an application for a shared residence order without delay. The Court will look at all of the financial circumstances when deciding how assets and debts should be shared, including who will care for the children, what each of you will need, the resources at your disposal and any assets that one person has either dissipated or used for their own benefit. All of your belongings in the former matrimonial are jointly owned so you should divide these between you. I would be sensible not to hand over any more money until you have a financial agreement in place. I would advise you to take urgent legal advice about making a shared residence application and an appropriate financial settlement. Regards Q. if y child stays an extra night now and again can i deduct money from the maintenance i pay? A. Hi You will need to direct that to the child support agency if you and your ex do not have an agreement. My view is that unless it's regular, no. Q. I am in the middle of getting divoirced from my husband. My question is, my soon to be ex-husband took out an IVA against what was the marital home with out my knowledge, which i still live in with the children. Is there a way that I can have my home taken out of the IVA agreement? my solisistors have looked at the issue, but do not see an answer to the problem,because it would invalide the IVA for him, which I do not want to do. A. It would be very difficult to say without reviewing all of the paperwork but it may well be worth taking specialist advice from an insolvency practitioner before moving forward on family law matters. Regards Q. Hi Katherine. When a shared residence order has been in place for 6 months setting out a weekend pattern during term time and sharing all holidays equally what can a father do if the mother is able to change at will and control the weekend pattern specifically when the start of a father's weekend falls on a bank holiday such as easter friday even if this weekend would be scheduled to be his? A. If you can’t come to an agreement on this then it would be sensible to attend mediation or see if you can negotiate something via solicitors so you have a supplementary document that sets out what will happen at each time. If agreement cannot be reached then it might be a case of referring the matter back to Court and asking for assistance with interpretation so you are not in constant state of flux and negotiation. Regards Q. I am going in holiday with my new partner for a week that goes over a weekend I normally see my children (I have them 2 evenings a week too). My wife says she will get a court order which means that I will have to have my children every other weekend (as already agreed through our solicitirs) but it will mean I will have to have them the weekend that I have booked to go on holiday so won't be able to go. Is this true? A. If you cannot attend a contact weekend (whether there is an order or not) you should give plenty of notice and make a suggestion for alternative arrangements. In an ideal world, your children’s mother would allow you to have them the following weekend and then the pattern would continue as usual. If not, then you would miss that weekend and have contact a fortnight later when you would normally and, again, the pattern would continue. You cannot be force by your wife or the Court to have contact when you are unavailable but it is best to keep disruption of the contact schedule to a minimum. Most people accept that one or twice a year there will be minor changes to take into account family and work commitments. Regards Q. i am a single dad can i pa the maintance money direct to my 15 year old son and not m ex as she drinks loads and dont use the money on my son can i pay the mone in to his bank account every week not thru csa A. As long as mother agrees then you can pay the money direct to your son (but I would advise you to keep a record). If mother applies to the CSA or the CSA are already dealing, then funds will need to be paid via them. Regards Q. hello my husband has filed through court for a residence order for our 3 years old after i applied for divorce. he is saying that i'm not good on daily basis to my son.he is lying. he is saying that he is the main carer of the child.he only started taking him to his mum's and nursery last october because i'm at college.modays and wednesdays to his mom and tuesdays and thursdays to nursery.he never spends time with his(very rare takes him out on saturdays)he is with me fridays saturdays and sundays. i've spent 6 months bback home in morocco with my son,without the father,and came back last october,spent 3 to 4 months on other occcasion in morocco again without the father. my son was breastfed for 24 months so he was with me 24/7.i ican't understand why he says that he is the main carer,he is only the driver. he also spends the whole day out.drops my child back to me and goes out the whole night getting drunk and driving back after 5 oclock and sometimes he doesn't come back. i'm scared that he would get the residence order because he is a good lyer.i don't even want him to get shared residence because i know he is not good and it's not good for a 3 years old A. It might be helpful if I clarify what is meant by ‘shared residence’. A shared residence order will set out when a child lives with both parents. It will not be suitable in all circumstances but can be made where the time a child spends with each parent is decidedly unequal. It does not require that a child lives with each parent for 50% of the time but would be usual where there is little or no overnight contact It does sound odd for him to suggest that he is the main carer in the circumstances you describe and I would expect the Court to agree. I would be surprised if the Court thought a major change to the current arrangements would be appropriate given your son’s age and it may be the case that his father wants the routine defined. I would try to find out exactly what he hopes to achieve and that may allay some of your anxiety. Regards Q. hi my ex wife has moved my daughter 170 miles away. she had her solicitor write up the arrangements for contact and that was to meet halfway once every 4 weeks, she also put 1 weekend out of 4 she will be in the area i live to visit her family so i would also see my daughter then too. but as soon as she moved she has not stuck with the arrangements and also makes it hard for me to even speak to my daughter on the contact phone which is only used to speak to my daughter io feel nlow that the move is to prevent me from having a relationship with my daughter.. am i in the position to apply for a contact order as she chooses not to stick to the arrangement she had written up for me by her own solicitor? help thanks A. If your former wife is not sticking to the agreement then I would make an application for a contact order as soon as possible to ensure you remain in regular contact with your daughter. It may be that the Court will make an order not terribly dissimilar to your agreement but at least then you are able to compel her to stick to arrangements so you have regular contact and if there are any particular difficulties with distance/travel you can address these. It may also be worth taking some advice on whether a shared residence order may be appropriate in your case. Regards Q. I have a two year old son who lives with his mother my ex partner. I am on his birth certificate as his father and pay maintenance and see him every other weekend. My partner also has a six year old daughter (not mine). Social Services want to place an interim care order on both children and remove them from the mother, I want my son to live with me, but social services dont want to seperate the children. Where do i stand as the biological father of my son, isnt it better for him to be with me rather than in care with his half sister A. You can make an application for an interim residence order. These will be private Children proceedings but I would expect the Social Services team already involved would report to the Court on welfare issues and make recommendations. It would be a more straightforward application if Social Services supported the application outright but the Court will make a decision in the best interests of your son. It might be worth considering whether you could care for his sister on short term basis and discussing this with Social Services but I appreciate this might not be practical or appropriate. Regards Q. i have agreed to mediation with my ex but he wants it miles from where I live (over 2 hours drive away). Can i ask for it to be closer? A. Yes you can ask for mediation to be held closer to you. A half way point might work but if this is not possible consider mediation via phone conference or by Skype. Many mediators are practical and will be flexible as to how they offer mediation. Regards Q. can my ex wife prevent my son being around me whilst I'm with my girlfriend? A. Provided your new partner is not a danger to your child and her presence is not distressing to your child then mother has no right to dictate how and with whom your child’s contact time with you is spent. The Court understands and expects people to move on in their lives and relationships and, provided you are sensitive to your child’s feelings and needs then it can be a positive experience. Please click here for more information: http://kathrynmctaggart.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/are-you-my-new-mummy-and-other-horror-stories/ Regards Q. My husband has a detailed contact order after 2 years of fighting through the courts for contact. It states that he is responsible for the pick up of the children from the house. His ex- wife insists that he physically goes to the house to collect the children . We live in Ireland and it is 12 hours by boat and train to pick the children up. There are 10th. Minutes between the trains which is insufficient to get to the house and back which is 10th minutes away. We therefore boomers a taxi wwith a company that regularly carries unaccompanied minors and used a driver that the children kne the ex wife,s new partner physically prevented the children from getting in the cab and thus denied contact. The children are 8 and can I do anything to stop the partners futur interference, and Is it reasonable of me to have specially organised a taxi for the children. I did ask social services about a taxi and they would see no problem. A. I think in the circumstances you have made reasonable arrangements and I cannot see that mother can really object as long as the children are safe and happy being transported to you. If she seriously objects, then I would expect the Court to say that she should convey the children to a meeting point herself. The partner has no right be involved in any of the arrangements or to interfere with transport arrangements. If mother refuses to agree to the taxi then unfortunately it may be a case of asking the Court to assist with implementation of the order. Regards Q. Can you tell me my rights with regards to the family home. Now that we have separated for over a year I would like to come off the mortgage but my ex needs me as a guarantor even though she has been paying the mortgage on her own. A. The answer is not straightforward. If you are married, then how you would be released from the mortgage (and what would happen to the family home) would be dealt with along with all other financial issues on your divorce. Whether your ex remains in the property would depend on whether she could afford to do so, whether it was needed as a home for any children and how your housing needs could be met. If you are not married, then the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act applies and you are entitled to realise your interest in the property and be released from the mortgage at any time. If your ex does not agree, then you are entitled to ask the Court for an order for sale which is likely to be granted. If you are content for your ex to stay in the property, then it is worth enquiring of the lender for how long they would require her to make mortgage repayments in her own right before they will release you from your obligations and whether there are any conditions you can both meet to ensure your release. Regards Q. I have a 2 year old daughter. When my ex and I split up, we decided our daughter should live with me, as since she was born I have been the one that has done everything for her. Everything such as, child tax credits, child benefit etc is in my name. My ex has her one night per week, although she does get offered to have her more and sometimes refuses. My ex has just informed me that when my daughter is eligible to start school, when she is 4, then she would like her to live with her and go to school in the area that where her mum lives. I think that by the time my daughter is 4, that it would be too difficult to let her go and I would rather send her to school in the area in which I live. This is all 2 years down the line, but I would like to know, when that time comes would I have a good case to have her continue living under my care? A. Any decision on where your child should live would be made taking into account all the circumstances at the time but, generally, it would be unusual to change a child’s primary carer after several years of a settled period of care without compelling reasons to do so. Children make friends and attachments in playgroups and preschool in the area they live which helps them adjust to the start of school life and it would be quite disruptive if your daughter was moved or missed out on making these connections. Regards Kathryn McTaggart Q. Hi Katherine, I have recently discovered my wife has had an affair, we have a 20 month old son together, I dont earn a lot of money (£1000 p/m). If the marriage was to break up, I couldn't afford my own house, bills, debts and child support and have no family to support me, what would I be entitle to as far as benefits go? My wife works 35 hours a week and child care comes courtesy of her mother, would I get any form of financial aid so my son has a place to sleep when he comes to visit? My wife and son would probably move into her mothers house as they have a 5 bedroomed house. I'm really stuck as I want to see my son as much as possible, but can't afford to live on my own! A. Where every person should live and how that will be afforded is something your solicitors will have to consider if you decide to divorce or separate. The priority will be given to the parent with whom your son lives for most of the time although it will be important that both parents have suitable accommodation. The Local Authority will usually consider a parent caring for a minor child on a full time basis as a priority need for housing although this may not be relevant if your wife and son live with her mother. I am not able to advise on the benefits you would receive if your wife leaves with your son and you remain in your current home but you can obtain more information here: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/index.htm A flat or house share may be worth looking at if it would be cheaper than renting or buying alone and would not in itself be a problem for staying contact. Regards Q. hey there, im in need of desperate advice please, basically i have a 3yr old little girl, when her mother was pregnant with her we fell out, so she decided not to put my name on the b.c, which i was extremely gutted about, so after all the arguing and rowing, she stopped me seeing my daughter at 3months old, so i took her too court we went through cafcass and i paid a large sum of money to a solicitors on the internet, but her my ex approached me and said if we come to an arrangement without the socials getting involved can i drop it! so me being a desperate father i accepted, 3 weeks later she stopped me again and it has been goin on and off for too long now so i need help big style. i cannot remember my old solicitors name so am stuck with re-opening the case, i dont no what to do now?? do i have to get a court ordered dna test then try and get legal aid for sum to help me i just dont no???? please help A. The best starting point is probably to contact the Court and obtain the case number, copies of any CAFCASS report and/or order and the original solicitor’s details. This will all be on the Court file and will help you assess as how best to proceed, including whether the previous application can be revived or whether a new application for contact, parental responsibility etc needs to be made. Any evidence or findings already in existence may be of use to you if you continue in your application. If your daughter’s mother asserts that she is not your natural child then the Court may well order a DNA test. If you are eligible for public funding, I believe the cost of this test will be covered by legal aid as well as solicitors’ fees. If you contact your previous solicitors once you have their details from the Court, they should be able to help you assess whether you are eligible for legal. If you would prefer not to, you can find out more information here: Q. My mother became sick last year and was diagnosed with liver cancer in November. I am a Registered Nurse, so opted to care for her at home full time, until she passed in January. I had to leave my wife last year, as she has a personality disorder, and six years of continuous stress and conflict forced me to leave. We have two children of 3 and 5 years old. I have been paying regular maintenance of £200/month, until this month, when I wasn't able to afford the full amount, as was refused care's allowance. I am back at work for the NHS,but have to wait two months to recieve my full time wage, as one month is held 'in hand' so to speak. I gave my ex £120 as was all I can afford. I said I would give her the rest at the end of the month, but she said "not good enough, access is stopped.. We were.married when both children were born, and was having them with me every Saturday from 9:30 to 8:30 and every other weekend from 9:30 Saturday until Sunday at 6:30. This has hit me very hard, and am not sure what I can do. Any advice please? A. Contact with children and child support payments should never be linked. You are clearly doing your best to keep on top of payments and it may well be worth checking her: http://www.cmoptions.org/en/options/child-support-agency.asp or with the CSA as to whether your payments should be adjusted in respect of the change of circumstances. Your children’s mother has no basis to stop contact and it is certainly not in the children’s best interests to do so. I would contact her and let her know this and confirm that if she does not reinstate contact immediately you will have no option but to apply to the Court for a defined contact order. Regards Q. Dear Kathryn I divorced from my ex in November 2011. We have been separated for over a year and a half. My son who is nearly five lives with me and has done since the separation. He pays me child support, only after contacting the CSA and only after a year. My question is that I want to take my son abroad in August for 10 days on holiday (USA) to visit family. Do I need permission from his father to do this? Also if he wanted to take him abroad can I refuse as I do not at the moment (maybe when he is older) trust him enough to do this. He does have him to stay every other weekend and time in the holidays, but I am her primary career. I do not have a court or resident order or anything, but he did sign a document 'Statement of Arrangements for children' at the beginning of divorce proceedings. In this document it says: Which parent looks after the child from day to day? If responsibility is shared, please give details – the petitioner (so myself). Who looks after the child during the school holidays? – The petitioner (so myself) and short stays with the respondent (my ex). Will there be any change in these arrangements? – No. Does the child see your husband – yes alternate weekends. Does the child ever stay with your husband – Yes, two nights every other weekend and some of the school holidays.. Will there be any change in these arrangements? – No Please can you advice me on what my situation is. Thank you very much. B A. If you do not have a residence order then you will need father’s permission to remove your son from the country and he will need yours if he wishes to do so. If you would like to take your son to the USA I would raise it with his father first. If he agrees, many countries want to see written evidence of his permission so it is better to have documentary evidence of consent to be on the safe side. If he does not, then you can apply to the Court for a specific issue order allowing you to go. The Court will weigh up various factors but, in the case of family holidays, the Court usually considers it is in the best interests of the child to go as long as there is no significant risk that you will not return with him. If you do intend to go however I would bear in mind that if you have permission to take your son on holiday, it is likely that his father will want reciprocal permission and the Court may well agree that this is appropriate. Regards Q. I have been separated from my wife for 16 months. I pay her 1000 child maintenance, the mortgage of 900, her car loan of 460 and an additional 650 for agreed spousal maintenance. She has a part time job with income of 300 per month. In addition I pay nursery fees of 170 per month. There is no court order in place but she has now requested more money. I think I pay her too much anyway and my daughter attends nursery 5 mornings per week. A. I think you do need to look properly at your income and expenses and your wife’s and would suggest that you take some legal advice as to an appropriate level of maintenance. The starting point would be look at your wife’s reasonable expenditure and assess how much of that is met by child support, benefits/tax credits, her income. The deficit would be the scope for spousal maintenance but this is of course dependent on your ability to pay and meet your own needs. It may be costs needs to be reduced rather than maintenance needs to be increased or your wife may need to investigate increasing her earning capacity. Regards Q. Hi i have 2 children 5 and 7 years old and only see them every other weekend becouse of work but i would like to see them more,i have asked the ex if i can have them 3 weekends a month but she said no. i am thinking of going to court ,do you think thay might agree with me and how much might it cost going to court Thanks A. Generally it will be in children’s interest to have as much contact as is practicable with you. The Court will make distinction between weekend and week time and will be keen to ensure Mum has time with the children that is not just taken up by work or school time. That is not to say that the Court would refuse your application for 3 weekends but this is something to bear in mind. However, you could also look at some time in the week or elongating the weekend from Thursday to Monday to increase your time with the children at weekends if that would work with your other commitments. Regards Q. i have my 3 year old son with me at the moment and want full custody can i keep him with me till his mum gose thro court and a desicion is made? A. Until the Court makes a decision on residence the ‘current’ or ‘usual’ position often prevails as long as appropriate arrangements are in place for children to see both parents and the Court is satisfied. Your son’s mother may make an interim application to have him live with her. If he is usually living with her, the Court may agree he should be returned to her care pending a final decision. Q. Does a clean break agreement which is being paid monthly still need to be paid if the spouse emigrates back to malta? A. It is difficult to say whether a move abroad would mean an order needs reviewing without seeing the actual order although it would be worth looking over. I suggest you take some advice although payments should usually be made under the terms of the order until the Court has considered it again. Regards Kathryn McTaggart* for Woolley & Co, Solicitors Q. My boyfriend is a divorced father of two who gets paid child support by his ex-wife. Since I work from home, I have agreed to watch the kids before and after school and to run them to and from after school ativities. Obviously, this is saving my boyfriend and I money since daycare is so expensive. My question is, can I charge the ex-wife for my "daycare" services. The divorce decree states that they split those costs. I realize that she could tell me to go fly a kite and she'll just go back to daycare-even though it would be cheaper thru me. Advice? A. I think it is unlikely that you would be able to charge for ‘day care’ services. It would be seen as you helping our partner with the care of his children. Child support is usually only discounted to take into account overnight stays but, if this arrangement benefits the children’s mum too, it would certainly be worth while trying to negotiation a reduction to take into account your assistance which would otherwise cost one or both parents significant funds. They are both lucky to have someone in the children’s lives who is prepared to help in this way and if she would prefer to pay more for daycare then that would not really make financial sense. Regards Kathryn McTaggart* family law specialists Q. Hello Katherine I am in the process of divorcing my wife, we have an 18yr old son. I am currently paying my wife £600 a month and hope to reduce this as she finds full time work. She currently works about 19hrs a week and has no reason not to work full time. My wife is demanding I pay her £800 a month for life and says she cant find full time work. I have just been to my first mediation meeting and found it to be next to useless, the onus being on finding any agreement regardless of fairness or sense...Im sure if I agreed to hand over all my income and keep one penny a month for myself the mediators would jump on it and get me to sign. I suspect we will never reach an agreement via mediation.... and a judge will have to decide on spousal maintenance payments. Will it be useful for me to increase my outgoings every month.. I currently live in a small flat and do have some disposable income. I earn £40,000 a year A. I think the Court would expect your wife to obtain full time work and £800 pcm indefinitely is quite a maintenance commitment. Whilst you should not artificially inflate your outgoings, you do need to make sure that you have factored in all of your reasonable outgoings and make sure that you have broadly comparably standards of living in housing, lifestyle etc. Please do let me know if you would like more detailed advice on the appropriate level/arrangements for maintenance in your situation. Regards Kathryn McTaggart* for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. Hi, i was after some advice regarding a court review, about june last year me and the ex wife came to an agreement where i would have the children fri to mon, 3 weekends in a row and she would have them for 1 weekend, but what I've found is that over the last 8 months the pressure its put on my health is becoming unmanageable. I work full time 5 days one week, then 6 days the following week, but as well as that i work mon to thurs every week in the evening, usually from about 7 til midnight, then i have the children fri evening to Monday morning for the 3 weekends, it leaves me with 1 weekend or 2 days to rest and if my saturday on falls on that weekend it means i get 1 day of rest in an entire month, this is leaving me close to exhaustion, so at the court review i was going to ask if i can change it to every other weekend for conact which would give me a little more time to rest. The major problem i have with asking this is my ex wife will fight tooth and nail for me not to change the current system. A. You do sounds like you are trying to be all things to all people. If you are exhausted, you are unlikely to be having the best quality time with your children so it does look like some things need to change. The bottom line is that the Court will support as much contact as you can have with your children but if it is not workable, the Court cannot force you to spend time with them. I would be surprised if the Court did not agree that adjustments should be made if you aren’t coping and your wife is going to need to be realistic too. Good luck. Regards Kathryn McTaggart* for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. Hi, I was wondering if you could give some advice? My ex partner is currently under investigation by social services following my discovery that my children are living in absolute squalor. The home that they are living in with their mother is discusting, there are cat and dog faeces under my children's beds, the house smells of urine & as well as the faeces all around the house there are used nappies & rubbish bags strewn everywhere. I contacted the nspcc when I discovered the faeces etc and they informed social services. There had been a visit, & initially my hope was for my ex-wife to get some support & make some changes, however, my wife knew that it was my concerns that triggered the investigation & has made threats along the lines of me not being allowed to have my children for our pre-arranged over night visits. She has also been bad-mouthing me to our children. I arrived yesterday to collect the children only to discover that their mother was nowhere to be seen & my 4 eldest children were home alone. T A. Hi there This is a horrible situation to be in. I understand that you want to make sure the children are taken proper care of and their mother gets all the help that they need but don’t want to make the situation regarding contact worse. I think, if Social Services have already been involved, it might be an idea to discuss the position with them informally and ask them what steps they plan to take going forward as that may influence your decision as to how to proceed. They cannot give legal advice but they may be able to give you some practical advice. Otherwise, I would let Social Services continue with their investigations, keep collecting the children and keep a low profile as far as their mother is concerned so matters between you hopefully settle a little. If this does not happen and she does fulfil her threats and stops their contact with you then you will need to make an application to the Court for a contact order to make sure this takes place. The fact Social Services are already involved with your family may assist with your application as they will probably be able to provide the Court with information more swiftly than would normally be expected which will help the Court make an order. I sincerely hope that it does not come to this. I am sorry that your concerns have led to potential difficulties with contact but I think that, if there were genuine concerns about the children’s care, you had limited options. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. How much involvement should my girlfriend have in my son's daily routine and life? We have been together for 6 months and are very serious about each other. I introduced her to my 2 year old son after we had been together 3 months and she now spends a lot of time with my son and I when I have him (most weekends and a night during the week) I am currently trying to get my son into a good sleep pattern. Should I be involving my new girlfriend in this process? A. Integrating new partners in your life with children can be a mine field but, if handled with sensitivity and common sense, can be rewarding for everyone. There are no hard and fast rules. Just make sure your child is comfortable and try to keep it fun. Allow your child to build trust with your partner and enjoy her company before you delegate any of the ‘parenting’ type tasks. As your relationship progresses, you will all fall into a routine and you will probably find that she helps more as things become more familiar for you all. But for now I would prioritise your bond with your son and getting him into the routine you want and try not to worry about anything else. Have a look at my blog for some tips that may help: http://kathrynmctaggart.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/are-you-my-new-mummy-and-other-horror-stories/ Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors Q. Hi Kathryn 3 years ago i took my ex to court to give him the option of seeing his children, contact was very inconsistant and he would come one week then wouldnt come then he would and so on we ended up going to a contact center of which he did exactley the same, CAFCASS was doing a report and my ex didnt show up to his appointment with the CAFCASS officer and then didnt show up to the court hearing, so the case got withdrew now 2 years later it has all started again and my ex wants to see his children again. I tried everything 3 years ago for him to have contact from contact at my house which he stopped coming to then contact at my mothers of which same again and he moved away for 6 months to him having the children on his own and then finally at a contact center and every single time, my ex partner only come to see the children when he felt like it. My question is will the courts take into account 1- how young the children are and how it will disrupt them 2- the inconsitancy of my ex partner. A. This is an extremely frustrating situation, especially when you have done your utmost to try to promote a relationship between the children and their father. Ultimately, the Court will entertain Father’s application, despite his past conduct, as it is considered to be in the best interests of the children to have a relationship with their father, even it is an imperfect one. The Court will hope that he has seen the error of his ways but he will be required to show his commitment. He will not simply get the time he wants with them because he has asked for it. There are various ways he can show his commitment without disrupting the children’s lives at the outset, not least of all actually sticking with and cooperating with the legal process if he makes his application. It may well be a long build up of little stages he will have to accept to demonstrate his commitment which can include telephone calls, letters and cards, short supervised visits etc. There will also be a number of reviews to check the children are coping and Father is sticking to the plan. The Court will be mindful of the children being disrupted and potentially let down, their age and understanding and, above all, any developments will take place at the children’s pace and not Father’s. Good luck with everything and I really hope Father has come to his senses and genuinely wants to make a long lasting commitment to your children. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors Q. I have found out this weekend from my youngest daughter that my ex's new partner has been arrested for a domestic abuse incident against my ex partner recently. Since then Social Service's have visited the home of my children and ex partner and been assesed for saftey of my duaghters. I have been promised to secrecy by my 8 yr old as she was told by her mum not to mention it to daddy,Which i find terrible as she is 8 and living through this anyway. What i need to know is do i have any right to be informed about the assesment by Socoal Service & the police and if so what rights do i have to take and prevent any knid of action. Any help or advise would be really appreciated Regards A Concenred Dad A. I would be surprised if Social Services were not in touch about their investigation but that would depend on the nature and seriousness of it. I would try not to worry too much at this stage and try to find out some fact as, at the moment, your information is second hand and has been confided in you by a little girl who is clearly troubled by it. I would get in touch with the local Social Services office and explain who you are and your concerns and ask them for some more information. Once you have that, it will either put your mind at rest or you will have the necessary information to seek advice as to what to do next. Regards Q. I have shared care of my son and have done for the last 5 years. The problem is he is talking about running away from home and coming to live with me full time. There is a court order in place that states we have shared care and shared time. A. This is a difficult question to answer without knowing the age of the child. If we are dealing with a teenager, the Court is likely to respect his wishes and feelings about where he wishes to live but certainly these issues need to be discussed with both parents. A child cannot be allowed to ‘run away’ and, whatever the care arrangements, there needs to be provision for time with both parents. In the case of a younger child, I would urge discussion and, if it seems appropriate, an application can be made to the Court to alter the residence order. Regardless of the age of the child, however, it is imperative that the issues as to why he feels the need to run away are properly explored and resolving these may well allow living arrangements to settle. Q. My ex wife and I didnt settle our house in our divorce. She still lives there with our two children (3 and 11) I pay half the mortgage and the government pay the other half as she does not work. I also give her a lot of money through the CSA. My question is, will I have to pay towards the mortgage until my youngest child is 16? She does not want to sell the house and is refusing even to think about it, however there are lots of repairs that need doing on it which neither she or i can afford but she also expect me to pay these as she says its half my house. I just cannot afford to pay everything???!!!! Help!! A. Generally speaking, I advise that payment towards a mortgage should be in lieu of child support as a short term measure whilst financial matters are sorted out. The difficulty arises when the CSA makes a separate assessment and the person remaining in the property refuses to take responsibility for the mortgage. Not paying towards the mortgage can risk defaults which can have damaging financial consequences for both parties. All financial matters need to be considered so you know at the very least: 1. Whether one of you retaining the house is affordable 2. If so, when can equity in the house be divided 3. If not, what arrangements can be made for the sale 4. If not, what alternative accommodation can be put in place for the children of the family. Generally speaking, if one party gets the use of a property whilst the children are small, then that person is responsible for the upkeep of the property until its eventual sale. Depending on the circumstances, the current position might be the best way of accommodating the children and preserving this asset for your future but it is not a foregone conclusion. If you are not able to realise your interest in the property the Court would be anxious to ensure as much of your income as possible is preserved to meet your own housing needs. I would urge you to seek detailed legal advice however as you currently have no certainty, all of the financial claims you both against each arising from your marriage are still very much alive and the position clearly isn’t affordable. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors Q. Hi Kathyrn My ex wife and I divorced 3 years ago- through a consent order I am committed to pay spousal maintenance 2k pm until 2015 but there is no bar -due to stress and depression I have been medically advised to reduce my working hours and this will shortly reduce my income by about 40% I wish to reduce or better still stop the spousal maintenance but my ex is refusing if I go back to court can medical evidence be used to support a reduction and would there be one hearing ( there needed 2 for the divorce) as I have no money left for prolonged legal proceedings our son is 19 and at uni and lives with both of us 50%. A. Maintenance is always variable depending on income and needs of both payer and payee. This is a classic situation where maintenance should be varied downwards based on a decrease in the payer’s income. I would provide your former wife with evidence of your revised income and a proposal of what you consider maintenance should be. If she will not negotiate, I would make an application to the Court to reduce maintenance and write off any arrears. As this is a one issue application, it should be fairly straightforward. You will be able to produce your reduced wage slips as evidence and, if there is a suggestion that you should not have reduced your hours, then you can produce a letter from your GP/healthcare provider as evidence. There may be more than one hearing but I would hope the issue would be straightforward enough to be settled at the first hearing by consent with the involvement of the judge. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. Hi Kathryn In March I went through a long court case to resolve financial matters between my ex-wife and I. Part of the judgement was that my ex-wife was to remove my name from the mortgage. It is now over 6 months since the judgement and my ex-wife has made no effort to remove my name from it. To my knowledge she has not even seen a building society about it. What recourse do I have to force her to follow the court's ruling? I am very keen to avoid going to court again about this as I am burdened with debt from the last court case. Would I be within my rights to withold spousal maintenance until it has been dealt with? Many thanks in advance Paul A. With the current financial situation as it is, there is no doubt that obtaining mortgages and/or releasing one person from his or her obligations under the mortgage if a property is to be transferred to one member of a divorcing couple. Releasing someone from a mortgage it out of the control of the Court so the Court requires the person who will be retaining the property to make a binding promise to the Court to make every effort to secure his or her former spouse’s release from the mortgage. This binding promise or ‘undertaking’ can be enforced in a similar way to a Court order. To demonstrate compliance with an undertaking, the Court would usually expect to see mortgage applications, contact with the existing lender, contact with new lenders and the involvement of a financial advisor. Your wife must be transparent with regard to her efforts to release you and you are entitled to this information. If she will not, then the only option would be to return the matter to Court for further directions. Ultimately, if the Court is satisfied that your wife is deliberately breaching her undertaking, the remedy would be an order for sale (but this may be deferred if there are children) as this would be the only way you could definitely be released from the mortgage at some point. I would not advise you to withhold spousal maintenance as I do not doubt your wife would enforce the order and you would end up in Court in any event (although you could then address the undertaking issue also) and it is possible there would be a default on the mortgage repayments which would affect your credit rating as well as your wife’s (which would damage the chances of you being released from the mortgage). At 6 months, I think the best option is to write and ask your wife for evidence as to how she has complied with her undertaking and explain if she does not you will ask the Court for further directions and possible an order for sale. The Court will give your wife some time to sort out the mortgage before taking action and your chances of enforcing an undertaking will be better if you leave it a little longer before seeking the Court’s assistance. The Court is likely to give her the benefit of the doubt after 6 months. If nothing has been done in 2 years then it is much easier for the Court to deduce that she is deliberately breaching her undertaking. Best of luck, find out what you can, keep monitoring the situation and bide your time for a little. Q. MY EX HAS PERENTAL REPOSABILITY AND HAS TOOK OUR SON TO MALTA TO LIVE HE ASKED THE COURT AND THEY SAID NO UNLESS HE HAD MY CONCENT WHAT CAN I DO A. Hello Inform the Police immediately and contact your solicitor to get an order for his return. The more details you can give to the authorities the better. Contact numbers, possible addresses etc. Do also provide the police with the last court order. Good luck! Best regards, Harjit Sarang Q. Good afternoon, I have a shared residency order with my son issued a year ago. He is 2.5. I see him alternate monday evenings until tuesday morning and alternate weekends (Fri eve to Sun eve) The Judge wrote in a caveat that we could agree more time, however his mother simply does not agree. She went on holiday for a week without him initially suggesting that I would be able to see him but then reneged. I feel that it is important that I see him weekly, would the court entertain a change to the agreement or view that it is still too early to change? Many thanks A. It is sometimes difficult to know when is too soon to look again at whether an order should be revised. I would say after a year, things have settled enough for teething problems to settle and for any issues to materialise. Unfortunately, although other contact can be agreed this does not always happen in practice and sometimes it makes more sense that orders are padded out a little to guarantee this, especially with special days/occasions/holidays. It is a shame that you were not permitted to see your children when Mum was on holiday and I think the Court would note this carefully. The order you have in place currently in not plainly inadequate but, with a child of 2.5 years, time together weekly is usually desirable as is minimising large gaps between visits because very small children have a limited understanding of time. I would say that aiming for week time visits every week (rather than on a fortnightly pattern) as well as fortnightly weekend visits is likely to be sensible and reasonable. Hope this helps with your decision. Regards Q. Hi Kathryn, I want to separate and divorce my wife. We have three children under 10. What chances would I have of getting full custody of the children? I have never broached the subject with my wife. If we separated it would not be amicable at all. (I believe (no proof) my wife to have some mental health issues (chronic anorexia from long term depression) and I would never leave our marital home for the sake and safety of the children). So can a father get sole parental responsibility? What can I do? A. The decision as to where children shall live is often a practical one but the welfare checklist requires the court to look at the following when making residence orders: a) The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in light of age and understanding); b) Physical, emotional and / or educational needs; c) The likely effect of any change in his circumstances; d) Age, sex, background and any characteristics which the court considers relevant; e) Any harm suffered or is at risk of suffering; f) How capable each parent and any other person is of meeting the child’s needs; g) The range of powers available to the court For all proceedings under the Children Act 1989 when the court considers a question of the child's upbringing the child's welfare is the court's paramount consideration. A more usual order in children proceedings now is a shared residence order which recognised the position and importance of both parents as what used to be considered ‘parents with custody’ despite the fact that the children may spend different amounts of time living with each parent i.e. with one during the week and the other during the weekend. Certainly the effect any mental health issues would have on care of the children would be considered as part of e and f above. A shared residence order is now more likely to be made than a ‘sole’ residence order but it is not unusual to have orders where the larger amount of day to day care is done by Dads where circumstances show that this is in the best interests of the children. Regards Q. Good afternoon, I am a Portuguese citizen who has been living in Canada for ust over two years. My husband and i parted September 2009 and he, being english, went back to england. I was left here to survive with two children ages 9 & 7 whilst he struggled with 'depression'...in April , as I was having financial problems here, girls went to visit him. They have since been with him and I am about to move to england to start a life there so that girls can have both of us in the same country and also so I can get back on my feet. find a job, house, etc... However, he yesterday on the phone, implied that perhaps girls emotionally best with him and granparents so I sort of fear that once I am there...with nothing to my name at this stage,,,that he will want to keep them and prevent them from living with me. Please please what can you advise?? A. Dear Isabel I am pleased to here that your children will have both parents in the same the country soon and wish you luck settling in and getting back on your feet financially and practically. I would not worry too much about a permanent change regarding where the children should live. You have been their primary carer for 2 years and they have been with their father for only 2-3 months in comparison. However I do think the sooner you are in England and settled with somewhere suitable to live, the better. Once you have this sorted, then you can make some concrete proposals about what living arrangements should be so the children have good quality time with both of you, a settled home and you are able to deal with your work commitments. If there were to be a dispute, the Court would will look at the following: The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in light of age and understanding); Physical, emotional and/or educational needs The likely effect of any change in circumstances Age, sex, background of child Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering How capable each parent is of meeting the child’s needs The range of powers available to the court Whilst you obviously need to have somewhere to accommodate the children, I can reassure you that the Court will not simply look at your relative financial resources and prefer father’s situation. In addition, contact with you is the children’s right and your husband is not able to keep them from seeing you (and nor does he have grounds to do so). Good luck with your move and, if you do have any problems with seeing your children when you arrive, please do get in touch. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists For our latest fact sheets, articles, information and advice visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk Q. My ex partner took me to court for non contact although he was having contact he has consistenetly messed the arrangements up anyway to cut a long story short we were both given until the 22nd june 2011 to file out witness statements, I asked the judge for an extension to file mine as i was in the process of finding a new solicitor that did legal aid so i was granted an extension until 22nd july however my ex did not file his at all so can I ask the court now to through this case out as he obviously has no intention of sticking to the consent order that was issued, or do I write to his solicitor asking what his intentions are with regards to this court case please help thanks A. It is difficult when people don’t respond in cases and don’t stick to deadlines. In other areas of law, case can just be dismissed if they are actively conducted but in family cases, courts tend to give people the benefit of the doubt because life and emotions can get in the way sometimes. I would certainly write to his solicitor and ascertain what his plans are. It may be that he thinks he has until 22 July to file his statement also (especially if the directions require an “exchange” of statements). Ultimately, if he does nothing and does not appear at the next hearing the Court can make an order in his absence or, if appropriate, dismiss his application. Good luck with everything. Regards Kathryn Q. Hi Kathryn, I hope you will help a father in need. I will greatly appreciate your help I have just been told to expect a letter from my wife's solicitor initiating a divorce procedure. It came as a blow to me as I thought we could make our own decisions but unfortunately my wife has decided to do it with a lawyer. We have a kid, 18 months old, and she wants to divorce for (I guess) unreasonable behaviour. We have a house and huge debts. Mine is around 30K and my wife's around 5K. I have spent the money on refurbishing our home as I thought I would have time to repay my debt. Well, my wife now wants to take the home leaving me with all the debt. Our place can easily be sold and we can share 40K each which is how much we both have invested in it. She is working part time (75%) and she is saying she won't be able to afford another home. Well me neither with that much of debt. Other details that may help are: we got married in England, and we have been married for 8 years. A. I am sorry to hear of your divorce and hope, despite your wife instructing a solicitor, you will still be able to maintain a dialogue with each other. It is so important for your child and will certainly allow you to proceed more swiftly and cost effectively. When married couples separate the Court must look at the whole picture and make decisions taking into account the following factors: • The income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future, including in the case of earning capacity, any increase in that capacity which it would in the opinion of the Court be reasonable to expect a party to the marriage to take steps to acquire; • The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future; marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future; • The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage; • The age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage; • The contributions which each of the parties have made or is likely is the foreseeable future to make to the welfare of the family, including any contribution by looking after the home or caring for the family; The conduct of each of the parties, if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the Court be inequitable to disregard it. However the first consideration must be given to the welfare of your child and to make sure that he or she is safely housed. The Court will also be concerned at your debts and how they will affect you being able to re house, especially if they have been incurred for the benefit of the family. Ultimately the Court will want to ensure your child’s primary carer has a secure home and to provide sufficient capital if possible for the other parent to meet his or her expenses and secure another property if possible. The value and size of your property and the cost of alternative housing will determine whether a sale if more appropriate than a transfer of the home as well as your earning and mortgage capacities. I would contact a family solicitor at this stage and ask for a detailed advice based on all the circumstances and you will then be able to have some sensible discussions with your wife. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. I have my 13yr old daughter living with me and i am the one that takes her to her mums on a friday and picks her up on the sunday. Her mum lives with her mum and dad at the moment, but she never makes any arrangements for my daughters travel arrangements or offers to give me any cost towards diesel. Is it my ex's job to arrange to pick our daughter up from my home and bring her back because i am sick of being treated like a taxi. Thanks, Roger A. Q. I separated 3 years ago, and we agreed that I would live in our jointly owned home, paying the mortgage and bills etc., until our youngest daughter reached 18years of age in 2014, when her 50% equity would be due. This was written out in an agreement. I have just been informed that my ex-wife wants the equity sooner than this, despite what the agreement said. My question is this, what is my legal position if I want to insist upon staying in the family home until 2014? What are the implications for me if I decline her request? We currently share childcare, one child registered with each household with both children visiting each parent a week in turn..... A. If you do not have a Court order in place either of you may take the matter to Court for determination. A private agreement between husband and wife does not bind the Court but if it has been draw up properly by solicitors and both people have taken legal advice then the Court are more likely to take note of it as part of all the circumstances of the case. If the Court thinks the separation agreement is appropriate it can make an order in these terms. If not, it will look at all financial claims (not just the house sale in particular). If the Court thinks that, because of your child care agreement, your children’s welfare is at risk if your wife cannot house herself then they make an order for sale of the property, depending on her other financial resources. However, if there is not sufficient funds to do so, it may also be appropriate to look at whether the child care agreement can work longer term. Ultimately, your wife cannot force you to sell without a court order and obtaining one will be a time consuming and expensive business. If the Court isn’t satisfied that a sale will ensure both of you have sufficient capital and mortgage capacity to purchase new homes then I would doubt one would be ordered during the children’s minority. I would certainly explore with your wife, either in mediation or through negotiations, as to why her position has changed to see if a compromise can be made. I would speak to your mortgage provider and/or financial advisor and get some options or, at least answers, about whether you can remortgage, what your mortgage capacity is and whether some equity could be released now and ask your wife to complete a similar exercise in respect of her mortgage capacity. You will both need to disclose your financial position as it stands but will hopefully be able to reach an agreement or it will soon become clear to your wife that a sale of the property at this point is not practical. I hope this helps. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists Q. Hello Kathryn Can you please advice me on the following. The facts are as follows. I have been separated for approx 22 months now and have a 13 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. I currently have my children stay with me every Thursday night and every second weekend from Friday dinner time to Sunday dinner time. My wife is the primary carer of our kids which was an agreement made by mutual consent. My wife is a primary school teacher and obviously gets a large number of holidays. I have been made redundant at least 3 times now in the last 2/3 years, currently i have 3 part time jobs and am finding this very difficult in terms of the uncertainty of long term employment, the effect it has had on my health and not really being able to plan ahead for anything in my life. My main question is that my wife gets 2 weeks holiday in Easter and 6/7 weeks in the summer. I am not even sure if i can even afford to take any holidays this year but my wife is insistent thati should have the kids for one A. I am so sorry to hear that your employment situation is difficult at the moment. Unfortunately, financial circumstances seem to make it very hard for many people to balance the family life they want to have with the obligations they must service to keep heads above water. The purpose of contact is to ensure children have a meaningful relation with the parent who doesn't live with them, as well as the one that does. It is not babysitting or time off for the resident parent (although in an ideal world the two coincide). It makes no sense for contact to be forced in a situation where is impossible for you to have that time with the children. This certainly is not in children's best interests. The law has no power to compel a non resident parent to have contact where he or she cannot (or doesn't want to) do so. Family law is above all things practical. There is an economic nonsense about one parent losing pay or jeopardising employment if the other parent is on annual leave on full pay and can care. I would explain your financial situation to the children's mum and find out what is at the bottom of the insistence on the week of holiday contact. If she thinks you should have holiday time with the children, explain the reality: that it will be very difficult to have time off, you will struggle financially as a result and the children will not exactly have a relaxed and fun filled time with you. Suggest some long weekends (or bank holidays when you may not be working) instead and make it clear that you would love to have longer holiday contact next year, finances permitting. If mum wants some holiday time for herself then I think all you can suggest is that she looks at holiday clubs etc for day time and try to help with as many evenings as you can if other relatives can assist as well. As in all situations, holidays are only wonderful experiences if you are not worried about the financial consequences. Ultimately, I am sure you would love to have a holiday with your children but, if you can't afford it, that is the bottom line. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists For our latest fact sheets, articles, information and advice visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk Q. My ex and i split up 11 months ago. I now have a new partner who i have been seeing for 5 months. I collect our 11 year old son from schoolevery day and take him home at 7pm. He also comes to stay over with me every other weekend. This is currently not a problem as i am staying at my parents. However my ex is refusing to allow our son to meet my new partner and says that while she has parental responsibility he never will. We were never married. Does she have the right to do this or could i get an order served? A. Meeting new partners can be a fraught issue but with careful and sensitive management and a bit of realism it does not have to be an explosive one. The thought of children spending time with their parent and new partner can be extremely painful for the other parent. It helps to bear this is mind initially although the main focus should be one what is best for the children involved. My advice is usually to wait until the new relationship is stable and permanent before introducing new partners. People coming and going out of children's lives can be confusing and, if they form attachments, painful. Do it gradually and initially in neutral environments like cafes or parks for short periods of time. Don't force children to interact with a new partner (always counterproductive) but let them get used to a new person and develop their own interest/relationship. Don't tell lies about the relationship but don't overload them with information either. Adult relationships can be complex and threatening for children. Limit the demonstrative stuff. Small children may feel neglected and it will be off putting for older children. Make sure you have quality time alone with your children, even when they know your partner well. It is important for them to feel they have you to themselves sometimes. Of course, real life often intervenes in the best laid plans and various parts of your life cannot be kept separate indefinitely. I would always advise that the other parent is informed about a meeting with a new partner, even though the response may not be what you wish. If you do the above, let the other parent know you are doing it and watch your child carefully for any discomfort or confusion, then the other parent really cannot complain too much. How you spend time with your children (and with whom) during contact is an exercise of parental responsibility and for the each parent to decide when their children are with them. The Court will not make orders prohibiting children from meeting people during contact unless doing so would put the children at risk of significant harm. If you do not have parental responsibility for your children then you can (and, in my opinion, should) obtain this by completing an agreement with mother or by making an application to the Court (which will almost certainly be successful). I suggest that you raise this with mother in a letter and see how she responds. Best of luck. Regards Kathryn McTaggart for Woolley & Co, Solicitors family law specialists For our latest fact sheets, articles, information and advice visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk Q. My partner's soon to be ex wife refuses to work citing that it is her right to be kept until the children (10 and 11) finish full time education. She had an affair and asked for a divorce so he had to leave the matrimonial home. Supporting his children financially is no problem whatsoever, but the prospect of supporting his wife for another 10-12 years seems ridiculous. He sees the children at least three times a week and collects them from school when she is "too busy". He pays for her rented house, car, children's school fees and just about everything else whilst living in a bedroom at his friend's house and has around £100 a month to spare after outgoings, with no savings or pension. Surely this cannot be right? A. When married parent's separate, the Court's first consideration is the children's welfare so financial arrangements are often put in place that benefit, on the face of it, the primary carer as the parent with the greater 'need'. However both parents are expected to do their utmost to provide for their children (so far as child care responsibilities allow) and both parents need a similar standard of home (so far as is practical) so contact time is comfortable, safe and secure, as well as time in other home. People's skill, experience and time out of the workforce are relevant but once children are at school there is a clear window when mother's can work. A lot of judges would think it appropriate that mothers return at least to part time work when their children start primary school, and most would expect them to be in some kind of paid employment by the time children are in secondary school. I appreciate that the benefits system is subject to an overhaul, but often part time work can leave to significant tax credits etc which can assist hugely. There is also the idea that mothers should plan for the time when they do not have dependent children and financial provision will stop. It is going to be difficult to secure work after 10 years out of the workforce but even more so after 20 years! This is one reason why I would urge fathers currently paying for everything to address this problem sooner rather than later. Child support is fixed by a statutory formula and discounted to take into account the care given by the non resident parent. Child support, earnings and state benefits should be deducted from the primary carer's needs and only then, if there is a deficit, should the appropriateness of additional or spousal maintenance be considered. If appropriate, it should be reviewable and proper provision made for it to cease in time. I would urge any parent paying all of their former spouse's expenses to seek legal advice so the proper level of payment should be put in place in the correct framework. The last point to make is that school fees will not be prioritised over homes for both parents, however unpalatable that may seem to both parents. Q. My wife and I are living in the same house but separately. We have two children together. I have tolerated my wifes behaviour for over 15 years and last year started an affair with a woman I want to spend my life with. My wife is treating my children in an appauling way and has told me if I leave her she will not let me see them. What can I do? A. It must be very difficult to remain living in the same house with your estranged wife and I can understand that you now feel it is time to move on. Moving out of the property itself doesn't affect your legal claims but you will need to think about practical matters such as where you will live, how you will cover bills/mortgage and what arrangements you would like to put in place for seeing the children or where they should live. If you have concerns about how your wife is treating the children, you must not leave until you are sure their wellbeing will be protected. I recommend that you have a full consultation with a lawyer about financial matters and about your concerns about your children, with a view to making an interim residence order if your concerns are very serious. Q. I have 4 year old twins, and separated from their father 18 months ago. I moved away from him a year ago, and he now has contact every 3 weeks due to the distance. He is now requesting telephone contact every week but I feel that the twins are too young and he's asking for it to be at 6.30 in an evening, which I think is unsettling for them at bedtime. Is there a suitable age in the eyes of the court as to when the children should engage in telephone calls? A. Telephone contact for young children is always problematic even if ordered or agreed. Trying to get young children to speak on the phone can be almost impossible and the parent requesting contact must reconcile themselves to the fact that it probably will only be an opportunity to say goodnight and I love. However for young children, that brief contact by telephone can be very important in maintaining links between face to face to contacts, especially if they are weeks apart. Where distance has been a real issue I have know the Court order telephone contact for children as young as 2 years. The parent with care is often concerned about impact on routine and feeling that their day to day life is restricted by the need to be available for telephone calls. I think one call per week on a set day when the parent with care is usually home is worth a try but Dad will need to be realistic - it won't be a half an hour call. Bedtime can be disruptive so try just after dinner for example. 5pm or 5.30pm can work. Try not to worry too much about the effect on routine - these calls will be very short - but Dad should try to be prompt with his calls always. Webcams can also be a usual tool for indirect contact as they allow non verbal as well as verbal communication and can put less pressure on the parent with care to facilitate the call. Q. I seperated from my husband 18months ago and we are now divirced, he has regular contact with our children although this does seem to keep changing with various excuses, he has now been with his new partner for approximately 10months, although the children where introduced to her and spent 3 days at her house after only a couple of weeks, I have been asking constantly to meet the woman as my ex partner moved in with her almost immediately and the children spend their time with their dad at her house with her 4 children, he is refusing to let me meet her and i would like to know if there is anything i can do about this ?? A. This is a really difficult situation for parents but one the Court really has little control over. We have to trust the best judgement of the parent with the new partner (which sometimes is better than others). The Court will take into account the reality of new partners and new living arrangements and expect parents to be sensitive but accept children should and must adapt to the changes in the family. Unless the presence of a new partner is likely to cause harm to the children i.e. serious emotional distress or if the new partner is violent, abuses substances or has certain convictions, the Court will be reluctant to interfere. I always advise parents to ensure that they always spend quality time alone with their children and are sensible about what their children see and do with the new partner. Take into account their age and understanding as what is acceptable for a 5 year old is likely to elicit a very difference response from a 15 year old!. To ignore children's feelings on this can be very detrimental to contact. Likewise, the other parent should recognise that the presence of another adult can sometimes make contact more comfortable for children and another interested and affectionate adult can make it more enjoyable. Children do not need a stream of new adults passing through their lives so parents should only introduce partners when in a committed relationship. Friends are fine but make sure you behave like friends and keep an eye on how comfortable your children are. Ultimately, the Court cannot compel a 3rd party to meet a parent. Talk to your partner about why it would help you and the children to meet Dad's new partner. He may just think you want to cause a scene or talk badly about him to his new partner. However, bear in mind it may not be your ex who is the sticking point. The new partner may be happy to have your children in her home when they are with their Dad but see the rest of your family life and your relationship with your ex and nothing to do with her and something she would prefer not to get involved in. Q. Hi, I look after my two kids full-time. Their Mum left home three years ago (to live with another man). She has hardly seen the kids in that time since she left. We were not married - so not divorced. I have kept on living in our rented house and continue to work. My girl is now 10 and my son is 12. The thing is, my ex has now written to me and the children saying she wants them to live with her "half the time". Both kids are saying they don't want to - and to be honest I don't want them to! I don't mind them seeing her a bit more, but our life is settled. The other thing is she lives about 50 miles away anyway -so how could that work with schools etc? Can she insist on this sharing of the children? Do I need to see a solicitor? Thanks - I hope you can advise me Steve A. Hi Steve You sound like you have done a sterling job so far! I am sorry that Mum has not been about much for the children over the last 3 years. In an ideal world they would have a relationship with both of you and, whilst, it may not seem like it, it is positive that she is making a bit more of an effort. That said, if Mum’s contact with the children has been hit and miss for a while, there is a relationship that will need to be rebuilt. Even if it is practical, having them live with her and new person they do not know half the time is going to cause massive upheaval. The children are old enough to make their views known and, whilst these wishes may not be determinative of outcome as far the Court is concerned, they will carry weight. Apart from disruption, there probably is a genuine fear that if Mum becomes a bigger part of their lives again she might up sticks and go again. Mum needs to realise this and be sensitive to the children’s needs and wishes. It is going to be counterproductive to force them to spend extended periods of time in a strange environment with someone they may not wholly trust. What I would advise (and the Court the approach would take) is to set out a plan for regular contact with Mum increasing to overnight stays and maybe holidays at a pace the children are comfortable with. There has been a lot of talk about shared care and shared residence of children recently and why this should be the norm. Shared residence does not necessarily mean that the children’s time is split equally between their parents. The idea is that two parents who have been actively involved in the care and decision making about their children after separation continue to share those responsibilities equally even if the children live with one parent 5 days per week and the other 2 days per week. Dividing children’s time between parents (even if the above difficulties are resolved) is above all a practical issue. Living 50 miles away from school is likely to be an issue and children can’t have two schools, GPs etc and most ‘importantly’ children will struggle being away from their friends and football teams and ballet classes. It isn’t impossible but its pretty hard. I wouldn’t worry about this in your current circumstances. I would write to Mum and explain that you think the children would like to spend some more time with her but it is not realistic to expect to expect them to go to live with her. Confidence and trust needs to be rebuilt and you are happy to agree some arrangements that would progress as the children are happy for them to. If Mum cannot appreciate the children’s needs and refuses to agree arrangements with you then I would take some legal advice. I can understand that you want to protect the children from upheaval and disappointment and Mum would need to prove that such a huge change for them would be in their best interests. That is quite a tall order. Hopefully Mum will be sensible and can play more of a part in the children’s lives which means you get to share the responsibility a bit and get some well deserved ‘you’ time. Regards, Kathryn Q. Have we changed our Divorce Solicitor? A. We have. Lisa is spending time bringing up her young son now, and we want to take this opportunity to say "thank you" for the wonderful service she gave us and our site users since the day our new websites were launched. The answers below are Lisa's. Those above will be coming from our new Divorce Expert. So welcome Kathryn! It is our real priviledge to have you on board. Q. Hello, my husband left me with my 12 months son. We live in a 1 bedrrom flat, tha we rented togheter, now he refuse to help me with any money for rent, tax or bills. and I am wrking partime and not in a stable job. Does he have any financial obligation with me even if he moved out. Thanks A. Thank you very much for your question although I am sorry to hear of your circumstances. Potentially, your husband could have an obligation to support both you and your son. However, this will depend upon his financial position and what needs you all have. You do not say whether your son is your husband's son too. If he his, and your husband is working or has some form of income then you need to make contact with the CSA immediately. They will deal with your claim without any charge to yourself. If you want to find out whether your husband should be supporting you too then you really need to see a solicitor. If your husband has no income and there are no assets of the marriage then sadly, even if it was found that he did have an obligation to support you he is not going to be able to meet that obligation going forward. I hope this helps you. Lisa Hibbert Partner - Family Law Q. Having a nightmare with my daughters (4years) dad He says he wants her and takes her but always changes the boundaries every so often I do not want to take him to court as deep down i feel like he doesnt actually want her so i do not want to fight for her to be somewhere shes not wanted He says he will take me to court but im not exactly sure what for! Can you advise a experienced lawyer in edinburgh A. I do not have any personal experience of solicitors in Scotland and we do not practice within the Scottish jurisdiction. I would suggest that you start by contacting Resolution who, I think, have a Scottish counterpart. They are a national body of Family Solicitors. Their number is 01689 820272. Q. I am an unmarry mum with two children. Their father was living with us, but recently sleeps outswhere. I am not working, finacially depands on him. He is treating me very badly, abuses me nearly everyday, always uses dirty words on me in front of the children. Domestic violent, but he didn't actually hurt me phisycally. I need to have the fully custurdy of the children, but I am not British, he is British. He treatens me that if I take the children back to my country, he will make a court order against me, so I won't be able to have the children anymore. I am helpless, I don't have enough money to fight a case with him in court, I can only get finacial support from my family to fight the case, but we are not as rich as him. He is a very rich man, he said he would use QC to win any case. We are living in London, he gives us around £200-£300/per week, that's only enough for food and housing expences, I don't really have any money left to fight a case against him. Ca! n I go to court with him to get A. I was so sorry to read your email. You are in a dreadful situation and need some professional help immediately. It is very difficult for me to advise you as there is simply not enough information given. I would strongly advise you to find a local Family Solicitor. Initially, you should contact one that offers Legal Aid as you may be eligible and this will help with paying their fees. Can I suggest that you ring Resolution ( a national body of Family solicitors ) on 01689 820272. They will have a list of good Family Solicitors local to you. Q. Hello, Me and my partner separated 4 years ago after he left me for someone else. I am continually asking him to see our daughter and he says he will only see her at my house. I do not want his. He has a house of his own and his excuse for not having her was that his new parnter didnt like our daughter going to their home. He is now saying that it is because our daughter who is 5 yrs old was not treating his partner as an adult! Whatever his reason am i within my right to say he cant see daughter at my home. He is welcome to come and collect her/drop her off but i do not want to have him in my home for a ny length of time. A. Thank you for your question, you outline a very unusual situation and one that would only work where both parties are comfortable with it. I can advise that you are within your rights to refuse your ex-partner's request although this not help move a contact arrangement forward. You could look at an alternative venue such as paternal grandparents or other relative but it may not be something that is practical as it does tie other people. You could also consider a contact centre. To get details of your local centres you should contact the Citizen Advice Bureau. If they do not have details then they should know where you can get them from. Q. can u tell me where i stand i have a 3 year old little girl i have prental resonsabilty as well as her mother who i was not married to and am not with , i have my daughter 4 days aweek , my ex is not looking after her propley when she has her im fed up of her coming to me dirty smelly . not dressed propley . she also never wants to go back to her mum and begs to live with me and my partner where do i stand if i dont send her back to A. Thank you for taking the time to put your question to me. You must find your circumstances very distressing and I can fully understand your desire to act. It is the most natural reaction to want to keep your daughter but it may not be the best way to handle the situation long term. To take such a step would destroy any trust that exists between you and your ex partner and it could take years to re-build. The strain this would place upon your relationship will not benefit your daughter. If you did not return her then you could find yourself having to explain your actions to a Judge who may have sympathy for you but will still be unable to condone your actions. I would ask you to consider whether your concerns are something that need to be tackled direct with your ex partner. Not the easiest conversation to have, I know, but you should at least consider it. If this fails to bring about any changes or you do not feel able to broach the subject with your ex partner then a good Family Lawyer could be of help to you. You need to see a solicitor who is a member of Resolution which is a national body of Family Solicitors who follow a code of conduct which places an emphasis on dealing with matters amicably. A gentle letter setting out your concerns may assist. Ultimatley you may need to consider mediation. You mention that your daughter says that she does not want to return home to her mum but please use some caution in terms of how much weight you place upon these words. Children can say what they think you want to hear and she may be sensing your concerns and be responding accorgingly. Be guided by your own concerns in the main. Q. My son is 3 years old and has just started seeing his dad after 2 years which went through the courts, now he claims he wants full custody of him, im a good mother to both my son and other child, can he get full custody A. Thank you for your question, you outline such a sad situation. I do not know the background as to why Dad did not have contact for two years but whatever the reasons you will have taken quite a leap of faith in entering in to the current arrangements and being challenged in this way must be very hard for you. It would be very unusual for a parent who has not been a significant "carer" to successfully secure residence (the new term for custody) for a child. You would have to have done and be doing something very wrong in terms of your care for your son. Is he serious in his threat? Could it perhaps be that he is dissatisfied with the extent of his contact and so is acting tactically? What I mean is, is it the case that he would like more contact and you have been unwilling to consider this and so in threatening to step in as a full time carer he is hoping that you will give in to his requests? If it is possible at all I would encourage you to speak direct to Dad to try to understand what his concerns are. Far better to try to resolve these things between you. Best wishes. Q. My son is 3 years old and has just started seeing his dad after 2 years which went through the courts, now he claims he wants full custody of him, im a good mother to both my son and other child, can he get full custody A. Thank you for your question, you outline such a sad situation. I do not know the background as to why Dad did not have contact for two years but whatever the reasons you will have taken quite a leap of faith in entering in to the current arrangements and being challenged in this way must be very hard for you. It would be very unusual for a parent who has not been a significant "carer" to successfully secure residence (the new term for custody) for a child. You would have to have done and be doing something very wrong in terms of your care for your son. Is he serious in his threat? Could it perhaps be that he is dissatisfied with the extent of his contact and so is acting tactically? What I mean is, is it the case that he would like more contact and you have been unwilling to consider this and so in threatening to step in as a full time carer he is hoping that you will give in to his requests? If it is possible at all I would encourage you to speak direct to Dad to try to understand what his concerns are. Far better to try to resolve these things between you. Best wishes. Q. my ex has given me my daughter after 11 years. my doughter has now been with me for 3 weeks and says she dosent want to go back home.whare do i stand if my ex says she wants her back? and if i now start A. Thank you very much for making contact. Your question is very limited so it does restrict me to giving a very generalised reply. If your daughter's mother wanted her to return then if a solution could not be found by the two of you speaking, for example, you could consider a shared care arrangement where your daughter split her time between you, then court proceedings may be the only option. In terms of you claiming for her, by this, I presume you mean claiming benefits. I would advise that you speak to the Benefits Agency and explain your circumstances to them and they will deal with this issue. Q. Hi, i really hope you may be able to help. My ex-husband and i have 3 sons together, he has a contact order which means he currently has the children every other weekend. Since the separation i have been living in an area that i moved to as it was my husbands home town. I am very issolated here and have no support network or family to help me with the boys. I strongly believe that to be the best mum i can be to them, i need to move 150 miles away back to my home town where both i and them will have all the support and family network that we so need, i will also beable to go back to work as my family will help in picking the children up or care for them if they are sick. My ex is trying to block the move through the courts as he says he will not beable to see them so often, i am not trying to limit his time with his children, and have suggested several different visit plans. Can a court really tell me i cannot leave a place where i am so unhappy and unsupported to mo! ve back home. I am also very worri A. Thank you very much for your question, yours is a very painful situation for you all to be in. The quick answer is that the court cannot stop you from moving but they can say the children cannot move with you which you may feel amounts to the same thing. However, provided that your reasons for the move are genuine and not motivated by a wish to marginalise the children's father and you have put together a carefully thought through plan for him to maintain both direct and indirect (phone calls, letters etc) contact with the children then the court are likely to support the move. However, in my experience the courts will favour as generous a contact provision as possible for the father in terms of school holidays as he is likely to lose a chunk of his weekend contact simply because of the distance. You also need to really work to keep the contact as flexible as possible so try to be open to other opportunities when the children could see their father. For example, if you were back visiting friends or passing through on your way to another destination, equally if he was passing through. It really is so important for the children that you both do this if they are going to stay close. Consider setting up web cam facilities and keep their father up to date on anything the children are doing which he can come along to, don't ever assume the distance means he will not make it - give him the option. There is no harm in making these intentions known during the course of the court proceedings - it will assist your case! The remainder of your question was missing so I have not been able to deal with this, so sorry. Q. When I told my boyfriend I was having his baby last year he said he wanted nothing to do with me. The rest of his family said the same other than for one of his brothers who sent me a number of abusive texts. My daughter was born in jan and now he wants access to her. I am reluctant to allow this given he has had no contact and I defiitely dont want his family to have contact with her. What can I do? A. Firstly, congratulations it is a truly magical time and I hope that the issue you raise is not over shadowing any of it. You will be feeling a range of emotions right now not least the desire to protect your little one. The father should try to understand this, he failed to provide you with any support during the pregnancy and left you at a very vunerable time, getting in touch with you I can understand as he may have found he felt very differently once the baby was born. However, he should now stand back and let you make contact with him. Should you decide not to then it would be for him to start court proceedings and ultimately, a court are likely to support an application for contact. However, this will take effort on his part and his nature maybe such that he would not pursue such a course of action. If he does continue to show an interest in seeing the baby then you do need to consider whether such arrangements can be made by agreement, this is far better than having orders made by the court. If he or his family become abusive then do contact the police and keep a diary of their conduct so that you have a record should you need it. The courts do take domestic violence seriously, whether that is physical or emotional and whomever it comes from, but they can only work with specific details and preferably backed up by independant records such as police. I do hope that it does not come to this. Q. Hi, and thank you for taking time to read this. Im a 20 year old single mother. I have a 1 year old princess and she is my world. Her daddy and i were to be married, but he cheated before, during and after i was pregnant. When she was born, he took no interest in her and even yelled at her when she was 6 weeks old. And when i was pregnant, he pushed me. The state is now suing him for child support because for amost her entire life, he has not helped with her, did not see her unless I brought her to him, and physically and emotionally abandoned us. I am afraid he will be able to take her for visitations. his house is unfit. It is covered in trash and dog feces. I am so terrified she is going to get hurt when she is with him. Please help me. I know the courts give fathers a chance now, but in my opinion, he has blew it. she has been here over a year and im the one working 2 jobs and supporting her on my own. Please, Please give me some advise.....Thank you and god bless! A. I felt your distress just reading your email, I hope that you have someone that can offer you some emotional support during this time. You clearly have a lot of concerns which, if can be proved, may give rise to your daughter be exposed to both eomotional and physical abuse. It is not possible for me to give you advice using such a crude medium as email in these very sensitive circumstances. What I will say is that you should go to see a solicitor as soon as possible. It will help you present your case if you make notes before your meeting setting out your concerns and evidence that you have to support those concerns. I would also recommend that you set out the history of your relationship with your ex partner and later involvement with your daughter. When you do this set it out in date order starting with the oldest event. You may also find it a support for you to take someone with you to the meeting who is familiar with your relationship with your ex and could prompt you on the facts. Q. My ex and I split-up 3years ago when my son was 20months old. He sees our son on Friday (9-6) week 1 and Friday (9am) to Saturday (6pm) on week 2. However, our son will start full-time education Sept 11 (he goes to Steiner school) and his father tells me that pressures at work will proclude Fridays from Sept 10. So he wants to organise from NOW pickup on Friday and drop off Saturday 6pm EVERY week. This will ensure that he maintians weekly contact. However, I prefer to have a weekend with my son and want to share weekends. With his father having Fri after school and dropping back to me after tea on my weekends. (His father works and lives in different city DURING the week) Father feels this is completely unreasonable and has saught legal advice and unless I agree he will take me to court. My question is: am I being unreasonable in wanting to set up an alternate weekend system now our son is 4.5yrs; and of the two suggested senarios would his be seen as most acceptable! A. How refreshing to hear you talk about "our" son even though you are separated. This tells me a lot about you and your ability to make the important distinction between your relationship with your former partner and your relationship as parents. This is really commendable. Your proposal is reasonable and is very common. However, it does mean altering the current arrangement where there is weekly contact and a two week break for a child of 4.5 years may be too much. You could think about proposing a continued weekly arrangement but with a 2 week rota alternating between your ex partner having Friday - Saturday the first week and then Saturday - Sunday the second. This way you both get to have a Saturday when there are more options for outings. It is unfortunate that your ex partner works away in the week as you could have suggested an alternate weekend arrangement with a weekly contact one day in the week so that your son was never going to go longer than one week without seeing his father. It will be a costly exercise both financially and emotionally to go to court over such a narrow issue. Your relationship with your ex partner is very likely to be damaged for the future so I would strongly recommend you try your best to find a compromise. That said, I do appreciate that it takes two to do this but perhaps the above suggestion will help. Q. I have a contact order for my ex husband to see the children. It was done 100% on his terms, cafcass didnt listen to me - they seemed so used to a mum blocking contact that they didnt seem to know how to handle a mum who supported the father seeing the children. however I have two concerns - the first being he is now seeing the children less than stated in the order -and delights in the chaos that it causes... are fathers ever penalised for this? A. I am truly sorry to learn of your circumstances. You will be very frustrated I'm sure as you will be left having to deal with the hurt feelings of your children when they are let down by their father. The circumstances you describe happen all too often and are very damaging to the children. It is important that you limit the damage by avoiding criticising the children's father in front of them. Hard as this is, it will only compound the hurt for them. Rightly or wrongly, the court does not punish a father in these circumstances. It is unlikley to enforce an order for contact as what value would there be to the children of spending time with their father unless he wants to see them? You could vary the court order although I suspect that the father would not cooperate with this and frankly I am sure you have better ways to spend your time and money. I would just ensure that you comply with the terms of the order and keep a brief diary of the times when he fails to see the children. If he is trying to see the children other than as provided in the order then you are not obliged to facilitate this but if you feel it would be of benefit to the children then make the arranegements as neccesary. Q. My husband has successfully found his son after years of trying to trace him. We have confirmation from his school that he is in attendance but they refuse to send copies of reports etc or confirm what course he is taking. They have told him to contact a Solicitor. Access rights were never withdrawn at part of his divorce. How does he prove he has access rights, should his ex-wife not be made to prove he doesn't - which she can't? A. I am sorry to read your email. Your hearts must have sunk when you hit the wall with the school. I am sure you have had a difficult search. The school are just carrying out their duty as I am sure you will appreciate. Your email does not say how old your stepson is and this is likely to be important. If he is under 16 then if your husband can show to the school that he has Parental Responsibility for him then they should give you the information you have asked for. This is done by showing them a Parental Responsibility agreement if your husband entered in to one with his ex partner or proving that he was married to her either before or after his son was born.You say that there is no court order prohibiting contact so I have assumed that there is no reason why your husband should not be involved with his son. If he is over 16 then it maybe a case where your stepson has to give his consent. I must ask you to consider contacting his mother. Without knowing the background to your situation I risk sounding impractical in making this suggestion. However, it could be a shock to your stepson to contact him now and the lines of communication should really be opened via his main carer who I assume to be his mother. It will also make relations very difficult going forward if you take steps, without the knowledge of his mother, to contact him whether directly or indirectly. However, I am only too aware of how some separated parents go to great lengths to prevent contact and this may well be the case here. If this is the case then I would recommend you see a solicitor before you take any further steps toward making contact with your stepson. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that your husband is able to re-establish his relationship with his son. Q. My wife, soon to be ex, is going for spousal support, but recently I have found out she is working for cash through her sister and brother in laws company from home and when I have my sons. Except, under her claim she has zero income listed. I have a work schedule, pictures of her working and emails admitting she has to work. Isnt this perjury in a court of law? A. Thank you for your question involving a situation that many people find themselves in as working for cash is not an unusual practice albeit potentially fraudulent if the cash is not disclosed to the inland revenue. For your wife's action to amount to perjury there must be court proceedings in place and further that she has filed evidence, whether orally or written, which states that she has no income or that she has failed to disclose that she has an income. Whilst you do refer to her "claim" I do not know what documentation she has filed to indicate that she has zero income and whether this documentation is complete. You do not say whether you have a solicitor but if you do you must bring this information to their attention together with the evidence you refer to. It is important that this information is presented to your wife and her solicitor as soon as possible, it is not "good practice" to ambush your opponent despite how courtroom drama is portrayed on our tv screens! You could find yourself at the receiving end of an order to pay some of your wife's legal costs believe it or not! Q. My sons father hasnt seen him for two years now and we havent had contact in that length of time at all. Legally where do I stand if he was to walk back into our lives and want access? Theres not really such a thing as custody anymore is there? He's on birth certificate so I know he has half parent rights and stuff but is there anything I can do to stop him walking off with him if he decided too? A. Thank you for your question and I will do my best to assist in the reply I give. The fact that your son's father has not been in touch for two years would not mean that any future contact with your son would not be possible. The age and therefore wishes of your son would be relevant and the reasons for his father's loss of contact would also need to be considered. Legally, you could refuse contact until it was agreed between you or, alternatively determined by the court, that any future contact was in your son's best interests. You could also use a mediator to assist you both and facilitate meetings. The word "custody" does not exist any longer in family law but has been replaced with the term "residence" which essentially means the same thing - it identifies the person with whom the child lives. Your fear of a "snatch" situation arising is understandable. I don't know how old your son is but the first step to take is to make sure that he understands he should never go anywhere with his father, should he appear at school/nursery, without your permission. You should also ensure that the school/nursery know this too. These are practical steps to take but from a legal perspective the fact that there has been lack of contact and that your son has been with living you, presumably, for some time then this would all put you in a strong position to secure the return of your son should the worst happen. I do hope this answers your concerns. Q. My ex wife and husband is making it very difficult for me to contact my son by phone. They have changed the home number. Can they do this? A. Thank you for your question and in response I would advise that it is quite normal for the parent who does not live with their child to have regular telephone contact. The only time this would not be the case would be where the arrangement is being abused. I assume this is not the case and as such you should be able to ring your son. If the number has changed then the new one should be given to you. If your son has a mobile perhaps you could ring him on this. Either way you need to speak to your ex partner but avoid doing this in the presence/ear shot of your son. Q. My son's father is currently taking me through court demanding a court order for days and times that just are not suitable for me and my son. I actively encouraged his role in our son's life for 6years and have never refused contact, he refuses to take on any responsibilty and decided last year that he would stick to one day a week contact. I found this hard but accepted this and found a support network of family and friends to help me. Now he is demanding days that suit only him,he point blank refuses to help out on any other occassions and does not contact our son from week to week. The court seems to think as he is working (I am also) that it is reasonable to give him all the times he wants and the quality time I have with my son is being reduced to accomodate an irressponible father that does not in any way contribute to his son's upbringing. I cannot understand why my son and I are being punished to accommodate his needs. I do not think that it is in my son's b! est interests that a court order would be put in place as his father refuses to allow him to attend anything that falls on this day, even when an alternative has been offered. Heis completley inflexible to his needs so why am I fighting a losing battle? Why is the family court allowing these men that refuse to take on their responsibilties as fathers pick and choose when they can fit their children into their lives, yet I cannot take him to court to see his son more? A. I am sorry to read the contents of your email given that you sound so emotionally fraught. Without knowing the facts that are before the court I cant't give you advice as to its decision. However, generally speaking a court will not focus on the past and will encourage parents to have equal input in to their children's lives. It is not the court's role to punish a previously, seemingly, uninterested parent by restricting contact now. This is not in a child's best interests. That is not to say that it does not have sympathy for the resident parent who has covered many times over for the other parents lack of interest in order to protect the child but it cannot let this cloud its judgement as to what is good for the child now. Q. I hope I don't come over as the "mad jealous woman", but I am concerned at the woman my ex husband is now seeing. The situation is my two boys stay at my exes place every other weekend. He picks them up from school on Friday and drops them back home on Sunday afternoon. My boys are both 13 (not twins though). The woman my ex is now seeing has now moved in with him. The thing is, she is known in the town as a bit of a nut-case. Getting drunk, going off with other men, there is even the suspicion that she uses drugs. I find this difficult (and I know i'm sounding judgemental) but I don't want my boys being in her company really) I think they are safe, but its the influence she may have on them that makes me feel bad. Is there anything I can do? > A. Thank you for your email and what you describe is every separated parent's fear. It is quite a step for your ex to take and is one I would have expected him to discuss with you and the boys. You don't say that he did/has. You don't say in your email how you would want to try to manage the boy's on going relationship with their father. Any change has to be in their best interests and you cannot really make that decision unilaterally and not really without meeting your ex and his new partner. At the moment you only have town gossip to rely on as to what type of person this woman is so it would certainly help for you to meet with her. There is no reason why you should not ask to meet with her given that she is potentially going to be a permanent figure in the children's lives. Presumably your ex will be aware of what is said about her and whilst I am not suggesting that you confront him he should appreciate that you may have concerns. Unless she presents a risk to the children that can be proven you will find it difficult to persuade a court to intervene so you need to find a solution with your ex. I know that this may be difficult to achieve so you may want to discuss your concerns with a mediator. Either a professional or a family member or mutual friend. Of course, your ex has to be willing to take part in such a process and again I know that he may refuse to acknowledge any issue at all. The question for you is whether you think that the boys are at risk if their father is with them the majority of the time. If you feel they are then I could well understand you placing a halt on contact until your ex is prepared to sit down with you and listen, genuinely, to your concerns. You would not be doing anything that would get you in to trouble and provided that you had given your ex every opportunity to discuss the situation before stopping contact you would not be criticised. I do hope this helps you. Q. My wife had an affair and left, i look after the two children as she now only has them on a saturday and back at 7pm due to the children don't want to sleep over night, so i have them 7 nights a week, they are 7 and 4.There is no equity on house and i pay the interest only mortgage at present i've been doing this on my own for over a year and not missed a payment my wife does not give me a penny for anything including children.Can she make me sell the house even though there is no money to gain and this is the childrens only normality and where they feel safe. A. The bottom line answer is that you can be made to sell the house, however, the points you makes about there being no equity and the children's main home are factors that could be taken in to account when determining whether the house should in fact be sold. Q. I have a 7 year old son. I have been split from his mother since he was 1 - things were civil between us for the next 3 or 4 years but more recently she is making my relationship with my son impossible. She moved him away, without any consent or discussion with me (they are still in the UK, but a planes journey away) She has changed his surname to hers and refuses to let me speak or have contact with my son. I have tried everything and am now at a stage where I do not know where to turn. A. You must be finding your situation very hard and I am sure your son is missing you. I will do my best to provide some help with the limited information you have given me. I presume that you have tried to maintain regular contact with your son by telephone as well as actual visits and that both of these types of contact are being blocked by mum. You may find it helpful to contact a third party who is a family member or mutual family friend whom you both trust, they could try to mediate between you both to get some contact off the ground again. You do not say how often you were seeing your son prior to contact stopping but it is important to understand why contact is now being blocked so that any issues can be addressed. Whilst mums moving out of the area would have been difficult for you to oppose the courts would have ensured that there was provision made for you maintaining a relationship with your son. Mum should not have changed your son's surname and you could make an application to the court to have the name change reversed. However, please be mindful of the fact that it is hard to police a change of name in that you could well be successful in reversing the change of name but you will not know whether day to day usage remains the surname preferred by mum. In any event, it is probably more important to your son that you work towards getting contact up and running than focusing on the change of name. If it is not possible to ask the help of a third party then I would recommend that you see a solicitor to assist you in opening up the lines of communication. It may be quite possible for something to be agreed without the need for court proceedings. Q. My former partner is applying for a contact order for my two children (he is their father), however there has been a long history of alcohol abuse and associated behaviour, even driving my litle boy whilst drunk that I am loathe to let him have any access to by children. How do I represent myself in resppnding to this contact order? A. I am sorry to hear of your position which is one that many parents find themselves in. I would strongly advise that you appoint a solicitor as the type of case you outline can be complex. As I am sure you will appreciate the court can only deal with proven facts and if the father fails to admit to any assertions you put to him then it will be for you to prove that he presents a risk. The court have the option to order a CAFCASS report which is carried out by the Child and Family Court officer (not to be confused with social services) the purpose of this is to enable an independant inquiry to be conducted and then conclusions drawn. Whether these are accepted by you and/or the court will turn on how those conclusions have been drawn and what other evidence you can bring before the court. Sadly, what often happens is that it comes down to your view and the father's. The court then has to decide whose evidence it prefers which frequently results in trying to find a middle ground. You refer to "history" if you do have records such as police records for example, perhaps the father has been charged with drink driving in the past or incidents involving drink, then these would assist. You need to be very clear on what your concerns are and be as specific as you can refering to dates and situations. It will not be useful to the court for you to make generalisations. Keeping a diary can help although I appreciate that is only going to apply going forward from today. If you do have anyone who has witnessed the father's abuse of alcohol and resulting behaviour then it would also be helpful if they could provide a witness statement. I do not know how old your children are but their views will be sought by the CAFCASS officer if they are considered to be mature enough, this will depend on the individual child rather than a strict reference to their age. If they have memories of their father and his abuse of alcohol then these too will provide information to the court. I hope this assists you but I would underline my initial advice for you to appoint a solicitor to represent you. Q. I have interim residentcy of my son and there is a contact order in place. My sons mother hardly turns up for contact with our son and the excuses are getting worse. How will the courts look at this and is there anything I can do to enforce the contact. It being noted that this is a contested residentcy case. A. In answer to the question. All cases turn on their individual facts and the question posed is not simple to answer in an email. It is difficult to force a parent to have contact, if proceedings were issued then the court would do what it could to establish why contact is not consistent but would probably question how positive forced contact would be for the child concerned. It may be far better to reduce the periods of contact if it would result in the mother committing properly. Regards, Lisa Q. I am supposed to see my children every weekend but my ex always seems to be making excuses I haven't seen them for three weeks now, what can I do? A. I am sorry to read of the problems you are having in relation to seeing your children. It must be very difficult for you and the children will also be struggling to understand why you have not seen them for 3 weeks. It is important that you address this now as there is a risk that the children may begin to think that you do not want to spend time with them. Have you had any contact with them via telephone? At the very least, whilst you are trying to resolve matters, you should be able to speak with them on the telephone. I would not advise trying to allocate blame when you do, children do not want to hear this. They just want to know that you love them and that you do want to see them. Tell them this and that you are just trying to sort out some arrangements with the other parent.
I cannot tell from your question whether the arrangement that is meant to be in place presently is by agreement or a court order. Whichever it is you should start by addressing the issue with your ex partner direct if this is possible. Explain that you want to understand why they keep putting contact off. There could be underlying reasons for this that can be overcome by altering the arrangement but you need to identify early on whether they are supportive of you seeing the children or not. If not, then you may need to get a third party involved such as a solicitor, mediator or collaborator to help you reach a solution. There is practically a presumption that a “non – resident parent” should see their children and good reasons have to be found for contact not to be put in place. If you do have a court order then you could refer the case back to court. Court proceedings may also become necessary if you cannot reach an agreement although this should really be a last resort. I would recommend that if you are considering taking such a step that you do see a solicitor first. Best Wishes. |
Today: Tuesday June 18, 2013
quarterly newsletter
|
17/06/2013
Fathers cutting work hours whilst mothers do more
13/06/2013
Schools fail the brightest
13/06/2013
Step Mother or Step Monster
13/06/2013
The effects of Domestic Violence on Children
12/06/2013
Gove pledges challenging exam changes
12/06/2013
Camp Bestival
12/06/2013
Loosing a son to suicide
10/06/2013
Women and families are the biggest losers in the immigration reforms
10/06/2013
Most people who view child porn escape arrest
10/06/2013
UK famlies speak of UK visa rules pain
06/06/2013
Post Natal Depression in men
06/06/2013
Schools urged to do more for children with parents in jail.
06/06/2013
Council tax benefits cuts leading to more baliff visits to poor households
06/06/2013
GSCE maybe replaced with I Levels
11/06/2013
Vacancy on our Advisory Board (Finance)
11/06/2013
Marketing for Mediation Services
11/06/2013
A day in the life of a Foster Carer
11/06/2013
Mediation and Changes to Legal Aid
26/02/2013
Legal Aid Changes
19/09/2012
Pension annuities
10/11/2011
Research on Single Dads
Fathers cutting work hours whilst mothers do more
13/06/2013
Schools fail the brightest
13/06/2013
Step Mother or Step Monster
13/06/2013
The effects of Domestic Violence on Children
12/06/2013
Gove pledges challenging exam changes
12/06/2013
Camp Bestival
12/06/2013
Loosing a son to suicide
10/06/2013
Women and families are the biggest losers in the immigration reforms
10/06/2013
Most people who view child porn escape arrest
10/06/2013
UK famlies speak of UK visa rules pain
06/06/2013
Post Natal Depression in men
06/06/2013
Schools urged to do more for children with parents in jail.
06/06/2013
Council tax benefits cuts leading to more baliff visits to poor households
06/06/2013
GSCE maybe replaced with I Levels
11/06/2013
Vacancy on our Advisory Board (Finance)
11/06/2013
Marketing for Mediation Services
11/06/2013
A day in the life of a Foster Carer
11/06/2013
Mediation and Changes to Legal Aid
26/02/2013
Legal Aid Changes
19/09/2012
Pension annuities
10/11/2011
Research on Single Dads
Kids Company
Supporting vulnerable inner-city kids across London
Supporting vulnerable inner-city kids across London
