A. Thank you for your email. It sounds like you have been very careful about who you introduce your daughters to and I am sure that as they get older they will be able to appreciate the care you have taken over this. It is hard to know what your girls will make of your partner but unless you move forward and introduce them you will not find out. They may be pleased for you and excited about the new possibilities that may open up for you and for them too. Perhaps you could introduce them to each other gradually, letting your daughters know that they are still your priority. Remember you are a person as well as a parent and these two aren't mutually exclusive - if you find happiness in a relationship this may have a beneficial effect all round.

A. Thank you for your email, I am sorry to hear of your situation.

It is very difficult to understand how your husband has gone from being the best father in the world, to being entirely absent from his son's life. I am sure you find this very upsetting and I can imagine that it leaves your son feeling very confused, and rejected.

So how can we think about explaining this? I don't know if these ideas help but, I imagine that this reaction on the part of your husband may reflect his anger and emotional pain at the breakdown of your marriage.

Sometimes actions take the place of being able to think and speak about feelings. When feelings are too painful and difficult to think about, instead of talking and working out what can be done, people act in alien and unfamiliar ways. This line of thought would suggest that your husband does not know how to think or process his feelings about the break-up of the family and has instead acted by taking himself out of the picture instead.

It is all the more painful when your son gets no birthday cards and all the while his father is only two miles away. We might wonder if your husband is feeling very rejected, and not knowing what to do with his rejection he has ended up rejecting your son.

It sounds like your son and husband were very close to each other, it is probable that your husband is missing his son very much but does not know what to do. Is there anyone who might be able to speak to your husband and suggest that he gets help with his feelings so that he can pick up his relationship with your son?

Yours sincerely

Toby Ingham
Psychotherapist & Counsellor

A. I am glad that you have found the courage and confidence to write about your situation. It sounds like you and your son have been through an awful time.
The whole experience has left you confused and depressed and wondering whether your response is normal. I think it is entirely understandable that you feel like this, and I am not surprised that it is so difficult to move on.

It is not just that your marriage and family has broken down, it is also probable that this experience has left you feeling very betrayed, humiliated and ashamed. This experience would be difficult for anybody to come to terms with. It also sounds like your wife is behaving particularly unkindly towards you and your son and sort of rubbing your face in her new relationship now.

I think it could be very helpful to your son and to you to concentrate on your relationship for the time being, it must be hard for you watching how hard is for him too. The experience of betrayal and abandonment will have shaken you both and I think it is probably right that you take time to gradually let your confidence recover. You are both committed to each other and that is a very good thing.

You didn't see this coming and it makes me wonder about the kind of women you are attracted to. I think that it is a good thing that you are taking your time thinking about your next relationship. It may be that you get involved with women in such a way as to lose sight of important things and of a sense of what the relationship is like.
You and your son have been through a huge upset that you are still coming to terms with.

It has taken courage to write about this, but you have found the courage and taken that step. I think your feelings are normal and understandable. Good luck.